wHy...

Why, do you always do this to me

Why, couldn't you just see it through me

How come, you act like this

Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall

can feel I can feel you near me

Even though you're far away

I can feel I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

Do you think we could last forever

Tell me

Why

Hey Listen to what we're not saying

Let's play

A different game then what we're playin'

Try

To look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe, I'm gonna let us fall apart

I can feel I can feel you near me

Even when you're far away

I can feel I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

You think we could last forever

Tell me

Why

so go and think about

whatever you need to think about

Go on dream about

Whatever you need to dream about

Then come back to me

When you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel I can feel you near me

Even though you're far away

I can feel I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you I need you

Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you I need you I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

You think we could last forever

Tell me

Why

our teambuilding was a blast. and i have to admit it is one of the most memorable events of my life both on a positive and on a negative note. ive lost the team fund..P10,000 in cold cash. How and where i lost it, im still trying to figure out. Ive been so damn busy and my mind was so occupied by everything else that i can't pointout which part of the blurry moments did i loose that hefty sum of money from my side pocket. The first few hours of that day since i arrived at the assembly place, i was not myself. i was soo drained and shock that all i could do was burst into tears whenever i tried to speak. the following events were a little consoling though and before we reached the days end i decided not to waste the entire time crying myself out in the corner. i had fun. tons of it. and i really never thought i will be able to look at everyone else by the eyes after what happened. but it seemed like they dont care bout it at all. it was a relief. i thought they understood me, i almost believed they read between my sobs and comisserate between my tears. i can never blame them though. in this world, money is still money. and now its payback time. they are asking me for something i cannot give at the moment. i speak out my thoughts and hoped they would understand once more but i proved to be wrong. i reach out my hand but nobody bothers to take them anymore. I utter a word but nobody seems to listen. i bare out my soul but nobody seems to care. its like i dont exist anymore. and to my surprise, i find myself alone...once more..in a crowded,laughter-filled room, the room where i used to belong or so i thought. now i feel like i hear them talk behind my back, now when they look at me i seem to read ugly thoughts in their mind perceving me as a worthless, dishonest, creature. their eyes are cold, and so are their actions. i feel so estranged and disaffected. why do sad events always follow happy times?why...?

tHrEe WoRds...

The three words that mean the most aren't "I love you", with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is "I loveyou" but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? "I love you" is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. "I love you" is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you're not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays,worth their weight in gold. "I love you" has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. "I love you" is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. "I love you" is what you use when you want to be unfair, when youwant to deliberately hurt. "I love you" throws the whole equation in chaos,unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.The three words that mean the most aren't "I want you", with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. "I want you" is what spoiled brats say, it's what selfish bitches say, it's what horny boys say. "I want you" is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. "I want you" is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell,by touch, by the look of rawness in another person's eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.The three words that mean the most aren't "I need you", with its childish,clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. "I need you" leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. "I need you" is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it.But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It'sthe irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark,and often in the most unexpected of ways, are "I miss you". This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, "I miss you", and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike "I love you" and the lies that go along with it, "I miss you" is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don't have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike "I want you" and its expectations, "I miss you" offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike "I need you" and its desperate whines, "I miss you" stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words,devoid of arms that cling to you for life."I miss you" means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most ofthe time the missing is all that's left, and that's OK, there's nothing else you'd change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to "coming home". And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone's arms.And that's why I miss you, because you're not here, and because every time I think about you, that's all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,and the world turns for both of us, and I can't wait until I have the chance to come home to your arms again...

bOrEd....

i made my way back to that site again and took random quizzes... ireally dont understand what i want out of this but something inside me loves being able to find a way(even a silly one) to answer all the questions inside of me. so one of the "random" quizzes i took tells you your love profile and here's what i got:

Pisces - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You're very tuned into your lover's feelings - and always doing something caring. Sweetness - you're the most romantic person your partner has ever met. You get easily swept away and are a total delight to fall in love with. Your negative traits: You are super duper sensitive and find it hard to get out of a sad mood. It's difficult for you to tell your sweetie no, even when you should. You often tell your partner what they want to hear, instead of being honest. Your ideal partner: Is straight from a fairy tale - the man or woman of your dreams Is a total romantic, with an artistic or creative side Loves to express their love to you, in all sorts of unique ways Your dating style: Dreamy. You like traditional romantic dates, like picnics in the park and candlelight dinners. Your seduction style: Fearless - you try what your partner suggests, no matter how unusual. Loving. You'll take your pleasure second, if necessary. Internal. A lot of your enjoyment takes place within your head. Tips for the future: Be more realistic. Your romantic ideal is nice, but it may just not happen. Let go of your fear of rejection - it's holding you back from being with your true love. Open yourself up to a new love. The person you think you want make not be the one.. Best color to attract mate: Seafoam green Best day for a date: Friday

What's Your Love Profile?

surprising because most of these things are true. its true that i am very tuned into my partner's feelings to the point that i even deny what i think they feel especially when its on the negative side. its also true that i am sweet and romantic and i want my guy to always show me how much he loves me even in the most littlest way. im not really that hard to please you see. i even mentioned once that my guy doesn't really need to buy me expensive flowers to make me happy, even the flower hand-picked from along side the road or secretly plucked from someone else's garden (hehe) would be more than enough to make me happy. im such a kid at heart and one can never guess how simple things make me feel utmostly happy especially coming from the people i care about. but its also true that i find it extremely hard or even next to impossible to tell my guy "no". it seems like it disappears from my vocabulary once im facing the love of my life. i suddenly become a superhero with boundless strengths and i feel like i could easily make way for the impossible things to happen which is definitely not a good one because i always put myself into a mess that makes me suffer in the end. tsk tsk. but the bottom part bothers me much. It says that i should not be afraid of rejection which is true because i know it is blocking my happiness but i cant help it.i just chicken out at the slightest hint of rejection. im afraid to be hurt. the fact that i could give sooo much makes it doubly harder to gamble my heart. another thing that bothers me as well are the last lines...advising me to "open myself to a new love because the person you think you want may not be the one.."...schucks!!! it hurts, just the mere thought that he might not be the one, already is too painful to bear...waaaahhh!!! just yesterday this bs is telling me that im very compatible with the "taurus" and it even regarded a taurus as my true love but now its saying the exact opposite...although im very much aware that i shouldnt bank on anything these silly quizzes tells me,.it stills bother me a bit. there's even this quiz where you are asked to enter your birthdate and then it will give you the meaning of your dob in relation to your lovelife. i wont publish the results coz i dont want people peeking on my dob hahaha! its a big secret, but the result though is what i care about the most. it said that i would have 1 true love over my lifetime and 1 heartbreak as well. does that mean i will find my true love then loose it? does that mean that P is my true love because what i feel for him is sooo strong that i couldnt mistake it for anything else but true love. does that mean i'll loose him? Or does the heartbreak pertains to the first time i shed tears for a guy which happens to be with my first bf?which means i will not loose P...think..think...yeah..yeah! thats what you get when you are bored...

oooppsss...i havent mentioned about the homecoming this december havent i? i already told B about this. B is my ofismate who also happens to be my classmate back in elementary and highschool. i just passed by this advertisement in tarpaulin about the homecoming to be held at our school specifically for us, the first batch of highschool grad on that school, and the succeeding 4 batches after us. I asked B if he is going and he just had this questioning look on his face like he was lost in translation. He said he would still think about it. Then i turned to myself and asked the same question. will i be coming? i dont know the answer as well. I d love to come for the sake of meeting up with our former classmates and friends and im sure it would be a nice time to do some catching up on each other's life but there are also some dreaded questions i dont wanna hear and topics i never wanna participate in. im pretty sure there will be the usual kamustahan and inquisition of the things that are making us busy nowadays and also the usual asking of are you married? do u have a family? ilan na ang anak mo? which i sooo detest to answer. and i dont want to hide for hours on the washroom just to pass answering these question because im readily aware that i might escape it once, twice or even thrice but i can NEVER run from it for the entire evening. so much with these thoughts...anyways i still have a month from now to try to contemplate the idea of me going in that homecoming event and i do admit that i am a bit excited and ecstatic over that idea as well.

mY LoVe iS baSed On...

i went to the same site again and clicked away on this quiz which is about "what is your love based on?" i never really set any expections on the results on this one, i just wanted to see if it really works. if the outcome would be any near the reality. well this was what i got:

Your Love is Based on Passion

When you're in love, you're brimming with emotions and desire. For you, love can be a crazy frenzy - but somehow it all makes sense. Love is the most important thing to you. You are capable of doing anything for love. (This makes you very lovable... but also a little scary!) Why your love can last: You've got the true attraction, bond, and euphoria to make it happen. Why your love can fail: Love isn't something you really think through. Your roller coaster relationships sometimes end on a terrifying note.

What Is Your Love Based On?

which is, to my surprise,relatively true in my case...(well wih P that is..) i always felt this strong passion for him like i could do everything. well actually ive tried and tested that its true. i have given up sooo much for him and continues to do things for him even though sometimes i feel like its stupid to do those things.waaaahhh, all powerful love, look at what you can make a mortal do in your name........

cOuLd iT Be?

i have nothing to do the whole shift but to slack off the time jumping from blog to blog reading other people's post when i stumbled upon this site and to kill time i decided to take this quiz about what sign my true love is. out of boredom i just clicked away the answers, wel actually i did kinda made sure what i was clicking was really what i wanted and to my surprise here's the result ....

Your True Love Is a Taurus

Why you'll love a Taurus: Romantic and sentimental, a Taurus can provide you with the security you need. And you both share a fondness for the finest things, from great food to luxury vacations. Why a Taurus will love you: You have the honesty and direct approach that down to earth Taurus desires. And enough elegance to show a Taurus a few new decadent delights!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

and guess what??? P is a taurus!!! could this be the sign ive been waiting for? the sign that would put end to all my doubts? and confirm once and for all that we are really meant for each other? well, sign or not, this cute and cheesy quiz had definitely made my day..yey!!! and later ill meet up with P and spend the afternoon together. Im all cheeky and i feel warm and fuzzy inside hehe...is this looove?

rEaSoNs to LoVe...

ive stumbled on this post of this girl bragging why she loves her husband so much. she went to enumerate the things in a list of 1-20. It made me wonder about my own reasons of why i love P so much. I wanted to come up with a list as well after feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. let me try to enumerate them as well:

1. he never gives me flowers nor chocolates and is seldom sweet but he can make me cry once he starts to tell me and show me how much he loves me (specially when he is staring at me with his twinkling eyes) yes his eyes do twinkle at times and they twinkle just for me..hehe

2. he never says i love you when he is going to leave but he does kiss me on the lips and says "ingat"

3. he danced with me just once our entire life together

4. he never sings but sang once for me when he gave me our "promise ring"

5. he never shows me how much he loves me when im awake, which makes it more special lolz

6. he always wipes off his plate clean when i do the cooking just to show its appreciated

7. he would rather starve than have me not satisfied with my food, which means he will give me his own share if i still am not full

8. he would choose the biggest part or the tastiest slice(when on family dinner/buffet) then give it to me (by doing this,chances are, he will get the smallest leftover)

9. he learned to cook because he wants to help me gain weight

10. he always want to share with me the most special things in his life (like when he purchased his first motor bike, he never had anyone ride it until i was able to stroll with him first at the back)

11. he never goes away without asking someone he trust to babysit after me..hehe(as in take care of my dinner, lunch, or whatever thing i might be needing)

i just love him eventhough i can think of just a handful of good reasons why i do. but i guess love is more special when you still love a person though you cant find a logical reason to love him/her.

come to think of it, i bet i would come up of a longer list if im gonna enumerate the things i love him inspite of..hehe

i think i will try that one on my next post though....

thE daY i liVEd aNd diEd...

Aug 18, 2005 the day i died yet started living the reality of life……………..

mahilig akong manuod ng movies….actually there was a point in my lyf i got severly addicted to it….watching every single movie i found interesting……those which appeal to me most are the movies with a father-daughter setup or theme….papa’s gurl xe akoh eh…

mababaw ang luha….iyaken nga daw they say…which sumtyms i use to my advantage…..minsan pag may gusto akong makuha papakita ko lang na teary eyed akoh then thats it…ala na dapat pang pagusapan…it always works like magic….especially with my dad….onteng lambing…kiss sa chicks ok lng…..pag magagalet na sya pag late akohng umwi kesa sa paalam kong oras….himas sa kamay kiss sa chicks and my killer sweet smile ok na let ang mood nya….papa’s gurl xe koh….

pag mainet ulo niya…lahat ng tao nasisinghalan…..pag naiinip sya(ayaw niya xe ng pinaghihintay sya) lahat ng tao kagagalitan…pati akoh sempre pero as always i just do my stuff and it wud work lyk magic…gud mud na let sya…papa’s gurl akoh eh….

then one time we had an argument….taz nabago lahat…nawala ung kiss sa chicks everytym i get home or b4 i go out of the house…..nwala ung lambing at hawak sa kamay at killer sweet smile to ease him from his bad mood….super tampo akoh….of cors with valid reasons naman…the argument was bout him and mama….same old story pa rin…bothered akoh…hurt and troubled kung baket di sila ksal…during those years of my life i was still soo damn naive of things….conventional pah koh masyado…maliit pa xe ung mundong gingalawan koh…for me common law relationship was a term never heard of….and being categorized as "illegitimate" in any document i see is a blow on my personality and on my heart….xe ung tagalized version nung illegitimate panget pakinggan…"bastardo" d b?

i was hurting and in pain….and my relationship with my papa suffered a great deal….di na kme kcng sweet at close tulad ng dati…and i started growing fondness with my mom instead…as i sympathized with her i grew hating my papa….i cant understand why….whats the reasons behind those things he never told or explained to me…..

sabe koh sa sarili koh…."kylan kaya kame babalik sa date…" i was hating him but still deep inside of me was the papa’s gurl longing so much for his attention and affection….everytime he wud favor my bro over me i get angry but i never showed any signs of it….i get jealous but i kept it to myself….there was even a tym in my life i cursed him and hated him so much i wished him dead….

i wish i cud take that wish back….

aug. 17 around 9 am outside the O.R. of Nova General hospital all of us wer anxiously waiting for the doctors to give us an update about my papa’s colon operation…..

just like the movies….the doctor went out and told us a dreadful news…my very dear papa is in critical condition….he suffered a cardiac arrest shortly after the operation….we cudnt accept it…..especially me….papa’s gurl akoh eh…

i wished him dead alryt but i never meant it…..i wasnt serious bout it…..icant accept it….for me it was lyk inthe movies…just a scene…..just a scene….

we wer all devastated…especially me..i didnt even got the chance to talk with him and say sorry..or perhaps give him a last hug or a kiss on a cheeks just lyk the old times….

i wasnt even given the chance to tell him i still am his lil gurl..and that lil gurl never stopped loving him even though we started having different opinions on certain things….i never even got to hold his hands and tell him im always here or let him see my killer sweet smile one last tym….

it was damn frustrating for me.papa’s gurl akoh eh…..ang papa koh….he was a strong man….very strong and he seldom or i can say next to never shown any signs of weakness..not even after he was confined and dextrosed and not even before he was operated….my mom said he even got to his feet and laid his self on the stretcher…..he was a man of authority….

nobody cud order or boss him around….he was strong….he was my hero….my idol….my papa….but the next day wen we saw him.he was far from the strong authoritative man ive known since childhood….he lay unconcious on the hospital bed…..he was breathing through a respirator and there wer so many gadgets attached to him…..my strong papa now seemed so helpless before me….my heart was breakin into pieces as i tried to talk to him although i know he cant hear me….i talked to him…..held his hands….his cheeks…i stroked his silver grey hair and whispered how much i love him into his ears…."Papa pagaling ka nah….im sorry sa mga kasalanan koh ha….i love you….pagaling kah xe gagraduate na koh…" i told him but my breakin heart was so damn scared coz i feared that i may loose him any moment….

those times i feel like i cud trade anythin…anythin…..just anythin in this world just to see him on his feet agen….di bale ng di akoh ang lil gurl niya…to hell with the marriage thing…..the hell with my jealousy….khit anoh gumaling lang sya….

pero…aug 18 at 5 am i died with him……para akong batang iniwan sa gitna ng dagat….i felt so lost and so weak….i never thought that he was holding our family together….wen we lost him para kming mga kawayan ng balsa na nagpumiglasan nung nawala ung tali…lumong lumo di alam ang gagawin…..

i wasnt ready….but i started living….nalaman koh….in the real world….living is as real as dying….alam kong may death but i never knew it first hand….iba pla….iba ang pakiramdam pag ikw ang namatayn….nuon parang "yeah ryt..buhay ka ok ….thats lyf blah blah…" ngaun parang everyday i get scared coz what if its ur last day on earth and i didnt even got ready for it….

and you know wats more frustrating bout it…..at ang pinakamasakit sa lhat….di ko man lng nasabe na " papa…..sins then til now i still am a papa’s gurl….ur lil gurl…i love u so much…" parang gustong sumabog ng puso ko sa lungkot at depression…..

andme kong gusto sbihin…andame ko pang gustong gawin kasama sya…..andame pah…..i even got to the point i was blaming him for leavin us so soon….and also questionin God for taking him away from us….so soon…..just so soon….

we cud have talked or watch a movie together….or shared secrets…..or stroll in the park…or eat our favorite fud together or just sit beside each other and talk….chat….

pucha!!! lyf is unfair noh…..until now i cant beliv he is gone….yoko!!! yokong maniwala n wala na sya….for me he had just gone to work and will be back soon….

di koh pa kaya ang heartaches….ang pain….di koh pa kaya tanggapin at di ko lam kung hanggang kylan toh….i dont know if there will be a tym ill get over it…..

for now all i know is i died and lived last aug 18, 2005

mY vEry fIrst...

toh ung first post koh….first tym na nlaman qng pede pla magpost sa blog q…first tym na nalungkot ako today xe may nabasa aqng isang nakakalungkot na babasahin….sumthin that

almost made me cry….

just wen ive thought that im one of the most unlucky…saddest being on earth…

i read this letter that almost made me cry…so sad so full of emotions na nakakahawa…

then i realized…oh well..im still better off than most pipz…

here in my private world kung saan akoh lang at tanging ako ang nakakakilala sa sarili koh…

at ang mga taong malalapit saken na ni walalng alam sa tunay na akoh….di koh maintindihan bakit napakahirap para saken

na ipakita sa kenila ang tunay na akoh..

mahirap..napakahirap magtiwala….sa likod ng aking mga ngiti…sa likod ng aking katatagan…sa likod ng mga kasiyahan at kapraningang kanilang nakikita ay ang hughkag na pakiramdam na solo koh ang mundo koh..

sa mundo kong ako lang at tanging akoh ang nakakaalam ng tunay na akoh…ako lng at bukod tanging akoh ang kayang umunawa at tumanggap sa tunay na akoh….akoh lang at tanging akoh ang maaring makinig…

may ilang pagkakataong binigayan NIYA ako ng mga taong biniyayaan ng kakayahang umunawa…magmhal…ng tunay..totot at buong puso…

ngunit sakim ang kapalaran…palagi niya akong inaapi..kinukuha ang iilang taong maari kong kanlungan…ang iilang pusong may kakayahang gamutin ang maysakit kong kaluluwa….ang iilang kaibigang maari kong sulingan na syang makakunawa makakaintindi sa akin…

kylan….kaylan kaya akoh lalaya…? kayalan muling titibok ang puso kot magtitwala…?kaylan ko masasabing bukod sa aking sarili ay may iba pang maaring magmamahal sa akin ng totoo…makinig at umunawa at tanggapin ang akong matagal nang nagtatago sa likod ng mga pagal na halakhak at kasiyahang huwad…..

dumating ka na sana aking tagapgligtas…alisin mo ako sa aking kinalalgyan…pawiin ang mga luha at ibigay ang pag-asa…ayaw ko nang sa aking paggcing ay muli kong matunghayan ang mundong mapanghamak…at matagpuan sa aking sarili ang katotohanang ako at bukod tanging akoh lamang ang natitirang totoong magmamahal at makikinig sa akin……

mA-cUddLe aKo...

pangatlo ko nang revision ng post to. kaasar!!! di ko malaman kung ano gusto ko iblog. nahihirapan akong iconvey ang feelings ko ngayon..bakit ba kapag nasa bus ako saka ko naiisip lahat ng gusto ko iblog? bakit sa oras na humakbang na papasok ang mga paa ko sa opisina di ko na maibalik ang mga bagay na naiisip ko habang nasa byahe ako?
nakita ko yang picture na yan sa web, may kung anong kumurot sa puso ko.
parang naramdaman kong may kulang sa akin, para akong di na tao minsan.
nawala sa routine ko ang pagpapakita at pagpapadama na tao ako...
kailan na nga ba ako huling niyakap?
kailan na ba ako huling yumakap?
sino na nga ba ang huli kong niyakap?
sino na nga ba ang huling yumakap sa akin?
kailan na nga ba ako huling nakipag-holding hands?
kailan na yung huling beses na naisandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat ng isang taong malapit sa akin?
kailan na ba yung huling pagkakataong binuksan ko ang puso ko sa iba?
kailan na ba yung huling pagkakataong may nakakita sa aking umiyak?
kailan na nga ba....
kailan kaya ulit....
emosyonal akong tao, nung highschool nga ako i feel like ive got so much love inside me and if i could just know someone whom i can share it with sobrang happy na siguro ako.
takot kasi ako sa rejection....
takot akong mauna magpakita ng emosyon sa iba kasi baka di lang ma-appreciate and much worst, baka di naman mareciprocate
nakakatawa kasi minsan sobrang mahal at mahalaga sa kin ang isang tao pero kahit katabi ko na sya or kasama napaka civil ko pa rin makitungo sa kanya
tsk..ang hirap pigilan ang emosyon, habang iniipit mo at tinatago lalong kumakawala at dagdag hirap pa ang pagiging babae ko, masyadong intune sa feelings at emosyon
kaya nga sa isang relasyon di ako makatagal siguro. kasi ako baliktad eh, habang tumatagal lalong lumalalim ang nararamdaman ko para sa isang tao, bawat araw lalo ko syang minamahal at natatakot akong sobra sa maaaring mangyari pag ganon kasi alam ko ang iba lalo na ang mga lalaki, habang lumilipas ang panahon, nagsasawa sila at ika nga eh "they fall out of love"
imaginin ko palang yung eksenang sobrang mahal ko na yung tao habang sya naman eh ayaw na sa skin, parang gusto ko nang mamatay sa sama ng loob.
i used to believe in soulmates and true love, pero sa tagal na ng pinaghintay ko at sa dami ng kabiguan na naranasan ko, minsan nagdududa na rin ako.
but still, the fact remains, malambing talaga ako, kailangan nga lang mabura muna sa isip ko ang takot sa rejection or makumbinse muna akong i wont get rejected bago ko maipakita ang lambing na yun.

eMotE...

first day of training for my new post and im excited...bakit? kasi one week petiks mode toh...hehe sorry for the slang "petiks" means chillax mode kasi training nga so la masyado pressure sa work and one week to kaya masaya..teka mukhang paulit ulit na ako ah..and lately napapansin ko lagi akong nag-sstammer while talking..is it because of soo many things running havoc on my mind? is that the reason i cant get words srtaight out of my mouth? hay!!! anyway, first time ko nakita si boss after a long while. it always amazes me to see him kasi well, dati pa naman kasi akong amazed sa mga foreigners lalo na with their blue/green eyes. sometimes i fall into a trance while looking at them...at one point nga yung tatay ni james naiirita na sa sobrang "pagka-amaze" ko sa kakaiba nilang mata. kasi naman noh..its uncommon to see people with those colors of the eyes natural dahil pinoy tayo. ganun naman talaga yun di ba? anything that is unusual always command attention from the curious ones hehe...going back to my story, so ayun nga nakita ko si boss after a long hiatus. he went over to our stations and nag-emote..
"do you know guys why i seldom come over here? its because i just get approached with 3 things...either for peysaluvong, treats or id laces...you guys dont appreciate me as me..." with matching turo ng 2 kamay sa sarili niya.
"but ___ thats how we appreciate you and show you ur needed..." joke ko naman sabay ngisi
"yeah right.." dugtong nya sa tonong pabiro din
but the truth is we missed him really...actually we were talking about him just the other day wondering what is taking him so long to go back here. siguro lang kasi we are kinda allienated by his culture but we do miss him. saka kasi para bang dahil tyong mga pinoy ay likas na magagalang kahit na nagpapakita ng sense of equality among employees sa office we still cant help it but put distance between us and the bosses. siya binababa ang sarili for us to reach him habang kami naman, we push him away but it doesnt mean na ayaw namin sya, culture differences lang. pero siguro time will come... tulad nung isang boss na afro-american na hit na hit sa mga pinoy employees dito...time will come we will manage to overcome the difference and patch up tha gap that exists between us and him.

cRappY...

hay naku...ive blogged already for this post kaya lang since my computer had been acting really funky today (probably because it was reghosted by the IT staff without informing us beforehand) yan tuloy crappy ngayon sya...internet connection always times out tapos nawala pa yung mga important applications and pictures and documents na na-accumulate ko within the past 6 months...grrr!!! bad trip talaga. yung post ko kanina nawala ren. tsk...well the only good thing that this caused was that i wasnt able to make calls for the first half of my shift...hehehe kasi naman for the first hour ata eh i was configuring and trying badly to recover all my passwords needed for me to have access on the important sites of the company..nyek!!pano ako magsusupport if i cant access the database noh! and then there was my first break and then right after was our team meeting, with some unexpected good news..,.wahaha!!! i was really worried that it would take me years before i could free myself fromthe memo i was given...meaning it would take me years before i could be eligible for promotion
good thing they are gonna imply the new policy and that means they would start fresh meaning all previous offenses are erased. sana pede ang gnon sa real life no? start fresh and erase all the previous wrongs that you did...anyway so yun nga ibig sabihin ill get my chance on the promotion afterall...nyehehe

dAyDrEaMiNg....

havent i told you about the good things that happened to me these past days? i think im being biased if i keep psoting all the bad things in my life without an update on the good ones that happen every once and a while. you might get the impression na ginagawa kitang toilet bowl (labasan ng sama ng loob) which is not true (well...mostly) hahaha

anyway, just to keep you posted bout the good "stuffs" last july i was hailed as the Quality Champion of the Month kasi daw i had 3 consecutive perfect scores sa QA monitorings and also in that same month im the 2nd on the stack ranking of all the performing agents in this account for that they (my superiors) gave me a webcam plus a certificate of recognition and (supposed to be) 2 starbucks gc's which i havent recieved until now and also i recieved a special prize which is the 2gb memory card. how cool is that? whatelse? naku mukhang short ang list ko ng good "stuffs" ah.

well, havent seen a rainbow these past few months , not even a falling star i might add. kaya naman i wasnt able to wish pa. pero date lam mo bang to get over with my frustration daydreaming became my fave past time. i would close my eyes and imagine what ill do if i won the lottery....hahaha i hope its not a sign of psychosis though....anyway kasi during those times i was stuck on a really crappy situation and i wasnt seeing any immediate resolution for that so what i do to keep myself sane is to pretend i won the lottery and with eyes closed ill imagine exactly what ill do from the moment i "discover" i am a brand new millionare to claiming the prize to planning how to spend and keep tha money i won.

kumpletos rekados dude, umpisa iisipin ko kung paano ko malalaman na nanalo ako, kunwari daw sa newspaper tapos iisipipn ko kung sino ang gusto kong unang makaalam at kung sino lang ang pwedeng makaalam lang. Sempre una kong sasabihan mom ko tapos since wala akong kapera pera hihingi ako ng tulong sa kanya para maasikaso ko ang pagkuha ng prize ko tapos daw paglabas namin sa PCSO im imagining na check yung prize so with that diretso kami sa bank to encash 100,000 the rest of my millions half goes to time deposit and the other half is split between a saving acct and an atm account tapos bibigyan ko daw si mama ng 1million pesos(wow!) and you're probably wondering for what is the hundred thousand? well, ipangsha-shopping namin yun ni mama kami lang dalawa. ive always wanted to treat her out and give her all the pleasures in life that she missed out because of taking care of us especially since my papa died. So pupunta daw kami sa SM then magpapa-spa un ang first thing. Full body spa sarap non crap! i could already imagine the pleasure....tapos nun kakain kami dun sa most expensive restaurant available tapos papasok kami sa salon to get a makeover (total makeover noh) magpaparebond ako, facial, haircut and everything tapos iiwan ko muna si mama sandali sa salon and sasaglit ako sa phone shop para ibili si mama, si peter at ako ng latest model ng nokia complete with accessories, extra batteries and take note...linya to ha hindi prepaid! then ill go to LBC sempre within the mall premises para ipa- one day delivery ang cp ni pete. babalik ako sa salon kay mama then aalis na kami to go shopping but before that sasaglit muna kami sa isang driving school at mag-eenroll ako for a week training. tapos pupunta na kami sa dept store to shop till we drop. magiging parang model si mama at magsasawa sa kakafit ng mga outfits at kakabitbit ng mga branded shopping bags na naglalaman ng aming pinamili. how cool is that? tapos sporting one of our newest fasion dresses tatawag kami sa bahay to check kung andun na ang mga kapatid ko at pasunurin sila sa mall and continue shopping again.

sempre the next day ma-rereceive na ni pete ang cp nya and ill call him to surprise him and tell him i got an increase, ill not let him know i wono the lottery kasi im sure that will be the good thing to do. tapos ill not meet him in a week habang nagtitraining ako magdrive and then when i get my license ill buy one of those cute cars tapos drive myself over to peter's place with my new car and call him on his phone to get out and meet me tapos ma-susurprise sya kasi lalabas ako from that new car im driving. heck! i can just imagine the surprise and the reaction on his face hehe. then we'll go to the mall, shop him clothes and buy him a psp then ill bring him over a motorcycle shop and ask him kung alin dun ang gusto nya if ever we can already afford one. once he chose ill talk to the manager behind his back and pay for the motorcycle in cash wahaha!!! then the next day ill surprise him when the model he chose gets to be shipped to him...

imagining these really gives me a break and sometimes even leads me to sleep

dEAdLy wAiT...

i went to work today with just enough money to get me to office...anlakas ng loob ano? if a lost even a peso from my money i wont be able to make it here and i dont even want to think about where i would end up...hahaha

anyway, im suppose to send you a text message about our "planned" meet later today pero subalit ngunit datapwat sa kadahilanang ako'y talaga namang gipit ngayon ay mukhang hindi ito matutuloy at kaylangan ko nalang ihanda ang sarili ko sa mga possible consequences na idudulot nito:

scenario a: magagalit ka, aawayin ako at makikipaghiwalay na naman(for the nth time...)

scenario b: you will understand pero sa loob loob mo iisipin mong pinaasa na naman kita

or

scenario c (ito ang pinapanalangin kong mangyari) : ok lang sayo as long as may dagdag ang share mo next cut off with no hard feelings

hay...(sigh!) medyo natanggap ko na at alam ko na rin naman na sa buhay naten, however dreadful the situation at hand is, lagi namang natatapos...actually the hardest part of the problem is always the anticipation...yung aknowledgement na may problema at ang pamomroblema ng problema. Actually habang palapit ang problema lalong lumalala ang anticipation which is funny dahil most of the time wala namang nagagawa ang pag-iisip at pamomroblema kundi dagdagan ang wrinkles mo, sirain ang araw mo, palalain ang stress mo, pahinain ang resistance at bigyan ka ng sakit. pero for some reason, ang tao ay di maiwasang mag-worry. kaasar kasi kahit alam mo namang kahit anong mangyari ang problema ay parang process: may beginning at may end, katulad ng lahat ng movies na may beginning, may climax at may ending and of course ang ending ay inevitable meaning di mo maiiwasan na matapos yun so whenever youre stuck in a problem all you need to do is to keep in mind that no matter how BIG the problem is you'll always get through. ang tanong lang dyan dude is HOW.

sempre may happy ending, may sour, may bitter, may bland hahaha pero definitely walang ending na NeverEnding and thats the good thing that we should be thankful for.

so ngayon i can say im in the middle of the "storm" na....tsk...tsk....tsk (sigh!) tapos na ako sa anticipation part which is good hihintayin ko na lang ang magiging outcome nito because obviously wala na sa kamay ko ang "bola" di ko na hawak ang susunod na mangyayari that is why im just readying myself for possible outcomes i just wish mapaghandaan ko lahat kasi madalas na-ooverlook ko ang mga bagay kaya naman lagi palpak

anyway ulet the only thing i should worry about right now is to make sure makakuha ako ng pamasahe pauwi...wahahaha!!!

wAt tO Do???

hay naku....just another day (sigh!) so many things are troubling my mind...

ano bang date na ngayon?

shit kaylangan ko pang magpass ng 3 requirements to qualify myself for the regularization icrease!

shit! yung regularization increase sa 30th pa magtitake effect that is if naipasa ko ng maaga ang needed requirements....

shit! i need extra cash on the 15th pambayad ng utang....

shit! i need money on saturday kasi naipangako ko sayo na dadagdagan ko ang binigay ko kahapon....

shit! i need money mamaya pamasahe ko to office kase pauwi nalng ang meron ako...

shit! kaylangan ko rin ng addidtional 500 to get over with one more week bago magsahod ulet....

shit! sa first week of novemeber kaylangan ko na naman ng pera for an important occassion...

tsk....tsk...tsk....never ending na pangangailangan ang kaharap ko ngayon at ang mga answers ay parang nasa distant future pa:

the latest would be next month at marerecieve ko na ang increase ko....

starting november may paid sl's na ako

second week of december may 13th month na kami

sabi ni TL kumpletong 20 sl's ang ikoconvert to cash sa amin by december...

my credit card would probably be approved by third week this month...

matatapos na ang utang ko this year....

hay naku! bakit ang problems napakalapit? bakit ang answers lahat distant? hell! di ko naman pwedeng sabihin sayo na sa 15 nalng tayo magkita para dagdagan ko ang binigay ko...siguradong magtatampo ka na naman at mag-aaway tayo...

di naman ako pwedeng mag-absent na naman dahil wala akong pamasahe na for the entire week next week....

calm down! paganahin ang utak at magdevice ng alternatives...

susubukan kong ibenta ang aking memory card for a couple hundred.....sinubukan 1x....2x....negative

susubukan kong mangutang sa kaibigan......sinubukan....1x.....2x.....negative

ano pa ba ang pwede kong subukan? shit! im running out of options....

sana pwede ko nalang itulog to or ipikit ang mata ko at paggising ko ok na lahat wala ng problema

waaaahhhhh!!!!

mula noong pagkabata hanggang magdalaga hanggang ngayon na "adult" na daw ako ive always felt alone. funny kasi during my childhood days i never ranout of friends. lagi akong busy sa pagtulong....

nard, may assignment ka na ba? do you want me to teach you?---

o sige guys, mag arrange tayo ng surprise birthday party for____...

hello?kaylangan mo ng kasama sa pagsundo sa kapatid mo? ok ill be thre?

ano?! nagbreak kayo ng boyfriend mo? dont worry im here for you...

may gusto ka kay ___yaan mo..ilalakad kita...

kung tutuusin ive been one hell of a great friend. i guess kung magkakaron ng homecoming ill grab the "best friend of the year award" ive always been the "strong" one ako yung pader na sandalan ng lahat, takbuhan, pahingahan, tagaligtas, tagapakinig,tanda ko pa ang sabi ng papa non....

lagi ka nalang tumutulong siguro sa past life mo philantrophist ka...

no wonder ang present career ko ngayon ay tech support.

nothing much had changed, ako pa rin ang takbuhan ng may problema, ng mga nangangailangan ng tulong, ng mga mahina, as usual im still always here 24/7 support 5 days a week. pero ang matagal ko nang gustong malaman...kung ang sandalan, pader, tagapagligtas naman ang mangailanagn ng tulong sino ang malalapitan? crap! sa totoo lang ayaw kong lumayo ang topic sa pagsolve ng problems ko at hand. napapaisip lang ako kung bakit sa buhay ko never naging totoo yung kasabihan "no man is an island" kasi ive always felt alone especially in times of need. ako lang at ang sarili ko ang pwedeng magsolve ng problems ko, walang ibang malapitan, wala halos makapitan...at ako lang at ako ang nakikinig sa akin kapag may problema ko, ang dumadamay at nakakita sa mga paglulha at pagdadalamhati na dinaranas ko....enough of emoting and going back to the issue...

ano na ang gagawin ko ngayon?

try mo mag pray--sabi ng maliit na boses sa utak ko

try mo but i assure you it will never work like so many times you tried---sabi ng pesimista sa loob ko

may iba pa bang choice?---singit ng praktikal na bahagi ng aking pagkatao

ano? ano na ang gagawin ko ngayon?

nAkaKaiNis!!!

late ako ngaun...ten minutes to be exact (sigh!) pumasok ako di ako nagdinner kagabi di rin ako nagbreakfast knina...(sigh ulet!) di naman ako nagdadiet, di na ako qualified for one, feeling ko nga sobra na akong "slim" (sigh! na naman!) napansin ko knina while im getting ready for work pagtingnin ko sa salamin mugto ang mata ko. No! hindi ako nakipagbuntalan or something! Lalong di ako puyat...well tingin ko hindi naman. The reason kung bakit sya mugto is because inexercise ko na naman ang isang basic characteristic ng pagiging tao, emotion, yeah! nag-emote na naman ako dahil sa yo. You made me cry, you always do. Nakakaasar lang ng sobra kase akala ko im stronger now...kelan na ba kasi yung last time i cried over you? Kelan na ba kasi yung last time na tinopak ka at pinaiyak mo ako? matagal-tagal na rin and these past days madalang tayo magkita. Sa sobrang dalang i thought kaya ko na na wala ka....sa sobrang dalang akala ko ok na sa akin kahit mawala ka....wala nang epekto ang hindi mo pagtawag....wala ng inis na dala ang di mo pagtext in short: dehins na kita namimiss! pero mali pala ako shit! lagi naman akong mali sa akala ko eh! nung magtext ka ulet nagka adrenalin rush ata akong bigla. Kumulay bigla ang paligid at para akong teenager na kinikilig...bwiset!!!ayoko na tong maramdaman eh. Alam ko kasing ill be better off without you kaso ang makulit at pasaway kong puso kapag naalala ka na...kapag narinig na ang boses mo, pag naramdaman na ang paglalambing mo, hayun nahuhulog ulet nang mas malalim kesa sa date...waaaaa!!!!nasabik pa naman ako kaya khit di ko alam ang gagawin ko at alam kong problema na naman ang dala mo sa akin heto na naman ako't inientertain ka pero anong ginawa mo? inaway mo ako, at binantaang hihiwalayan
bad trip talaga...san tau magkikita tom?tanong ko ok na ako kahit wag na kahit kailan.Final dun palang ang mata ko sa kahit wag na gusto ko nang umiyak...yung unang patak ng luha ko nasa sulok na ng mata ko nanghihingi ng go signal from me para pakawalan sya pero pinipigil ko...kasi malakas na ako di ba? sigaw ng practical side ko bayaan mo siya! alam mong di mo sya kayang iwan so mas ok kung sya nlng ang iiwan sayo...wag ka ng magreply tutal sabi nya final na! sabi naman ng puso ko no!!! wag ka pumayag! remember ang usapan nyo>? walang iwanan mainit lng ulo nyan kaya ganyan lecheng buhay toh...ako ang pagod ako ang nagtatrabaho pero ako pa rin ang kelangan umintindi sa kanya pero ano bang magagawa ko eh mas maimpluwensya ang puso ko kesa sa utak (sigh!)eh di ang ending inamo amo ko pa sya at di pa ko nakuntento nagmakaawa pa akong wag akong iwan habang sisinghut singhot at nanginginig ang kamay na pumindot ng mga leter sa celfon na hiniram ko lang sa kapatid ko. habang nagmamakawa ako sayo at nagpapakagago naiiyak ako sa kaiisip kung anong nagawang kong napakalaking kasalanan to deserve this treatment....bakit di ako maswerte sa pag-ibig? bakit yung iba? may favoritism ba si Lord? mababaliw na ata ako sa kakaisip at namugto na ang mata kong kakaiyak pero wala akong nakuhang sagot cge kita tyo tomorrow...dont forget yung hinihingi ko ha?luv u!
yup1 cge tom nalng wag mo na akong iwan ulet ha? luv u!
mangmang!!!bkit nakipagbati ka pa?way out mo na nga un eh
mahal ko sya eh...
mas gaganda ang buhay mo pag iniwan mo sya
pero sa kanya ako masaya...
sira!!! sa kanya ka rin naman nagdurusa!
kasama sa pag ibig un noh....
bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo! wag kang iiyak iyak pag namroblema ka na naman!
hay!!!hanggang kaylan ako magpapauto sayo? hanggang kaylan magiging tanga ang puso ko?
kung meron sanang tech support para sa mga pusong nagmamalfunction kahit may bayad pa magsasabskrayb ako.....nakakainis!!!

gNon bA yOn?

nag im ang account manager sa messanger ko, nagtext ka daw sa celfone nya obviously that is because khapon tinext kita using her cp kse ako bwal magadala ng phone dito sa ofis..., ngtext ako di ka nagreply, i called you later that day nag-ring lng ang fone several times until na drop ung call when i tried dialling again sbi ng babae sa kabilang linya "cannot be reached" ka na daw....gnon ba yon? kagabi di ako nakatulog ng husto, pbiling biling sa higaan iniisip kita, sa pagitan ng mga maiksing pagkaidlip ko at muling paggising naiisip kita. kelan na ba kita huling nakausap? kelan na ba tyo huling nagkasama? medyo matagal na nga, at kagabi naisip ko, pano kaya kung di ka na magparamdam? pano kung ayaw mo na akong makita? pno kung ito ang paraan mo para sabihin sa akin na ayaw mo na? sa kaibuturan ng puso ko ayaw kong isipin o ientertain man lng ang posibilidad na maaaring iyon na ang katapusan ng lovestory natin dahil di pa maganda ang ending
pero ang praktikal na ako ay nagsusumigaw din you should face the truth kung iyon nga and move on! dapat handa ka! anong gagawin mo kung sakaling ito na nga ang ending nyo? di ka pwedeng magmukmok nalng at umiyak dahil nandyan si james naisip ko ang mga plan b at mga plan c na gagawin ko kung sakali't tuluyan ka ng di magparamdam....naisip ko kaya ko naman siguro....naisip ko di naman ako mamamatay...tapos nakatulog na ako ulit. paggising ko maleleyt na ako sa trabaho so i got ready, took my meal, then went to work.

nung nasa jeep ako merong isang lalaki na kahawig mo,tumingin sya sa akin shet! sbi ko sa sarili ko bakit ba kita naaalala sa bwat pamilyar na mukha, sa bawat pabango na kasingamoy ng sayo, sa bawat lalking kasing height mo!? bad trip talaga pakiramdam ko nong oras na yun ikaw ang nakatingin sa akin...ikaw ang nakikita ko at naramdaman ko nalng ang puso ko ay umiinit at gusto ko nang maluha bakit gnito kalakas ang dating mo sa akin?

kung tutuusin ang dami ng paghihirap ang dinulot ng pasaway na pag-ibig na ito...sinira ang pangarap ko at pinaiyak at dinurog ang puso ko pero heto at tuwing makakakita ako ng halos kamukha mo or makakaamoy ng pabango mo or makasulyap ng kasing height mo naaalala kita?

at ngayon nga sabi sa akin ng account manager ko nagtext ka daw...piplitin ko man pigilan...,lumabas pa rin at nasilayan ang ngiti na nagpumilit kumawala sa labi ko, nakahinga ako ng maluwag so hindi mo naman pala ako nakalimutan....may chance pa siguro tayo, pede pa ako humirit at umasa para sa katuparan ng fairy tale ko at magkakaroon na tayo ng linyang "they lived happily ever after..."

iN LoVe....

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

wow, this is sooooo touching and romantic. my heart feels like it was melting and i could just feel the warmth inside. most people would be lucky, like very very very damn lucky to have this kind of love in their life but unfortunately, these "lucky ones" fail to realize how blessed they are until they lost their chance to appreciate that wonderful person in their life. Some of us might even be unconciously pushing them away and the harder they try to stick with us the harder we push them away only to realize at the end that what we were pushing back is the only thing we want the most in our life and the only thing that makes us happy....haaay! I just wish you would finally realize ive been with you, stood up for you, fought for you, saw through you all the worst and best, that i have loved you more than anyone else could but im hurting all this time. im hurting because you never seem to care. you never seemed to notice how much ive given up for you, how much ive loved you...all i want is you and to be with you and be loved by you, is it really too much to ask? My ultimate wish right now is to undo this crazy love in my heart so i can stop hurting and finally let go, so i can stop loving and finally move on, so i can stop hoping and finally retire to be one of "those people" who has this insanity of never being able to let go of a love that by all accounts seems to be wrong. All i wanna do right now as the last concious effort is to shout at you on top of my voice: "DAMN YOU!!!! Dont you ****ing know how ****ing lucky you are to have me loving you as crazy as this? and i must admit, even if i do really find the courage (which by the way i very much doubt that i will) to leave you and let go, you will still be the only one id cherish in my heart and in my life. I love you sincerely, utterly, unshakably, honestly with all my hear and my sould and with everything i am..., tma na mushy masyado. kaluguran dakang sobra sobra!

rUsH...

many things had happened last week...ive had my PMP..it stands for performance monitoring and the last P is for...hmm i dont know really..hehe but the good thing is i passed. basically this PMP thing decides if you are "in" (gonna be regularized) or "out" to say "hello jobstreet,again" hehe. well fortunately for me i got in...and then on top of that james and me had a really wonderful time of our life we celebrated his dob a the mall and it was a blast. he was very happy and we got really exhausted after that...i forgot to log out from work monday morning and i just logged out last night...hehehe its like rendering OT as in overtime for 4 days...lolz and i had 2 absences without leave i wasnt able to call the hotline because i honestly forgot the number...i havent been absent for 2 months and more so i forgot that number already. now i dont know if its a good thing or what...hehe

AddiCtiOn...

wahahaha, bkit kapag magbablog na ako ala na akong maisip itype? its like everything else vanishes once i start typing? waaaaahhhh!!!! pero kapag nasa bus ako andami kong naiisip in between pag-idlip at paggising andami kong gusto iblog kaso alang available na pc...dito lng ako sa ofis nakakapagblog ksi ung pc ko sa bahay eh nachop-chop na ng kapatid ko...meaning ung parts niya di na kumpleto...binenta na yung isang hard drive saka memory card tapos ung monitor balak na rin ata dispatsahin...kawawa naman si compy koh...20 minutes away lng ako from my first break at ala pa rin akong call samantalang kahapon ilang call lng ako kasi puro software issues eh. Kaasar alam ko marami akong gusto iblog. ikukwento ko pla sa inyo ang addiction koh. matagal na ito actually, this started i think 3 years ago and i still cant get over it until now...well, di naman ako parang alcoholic na nanginginig ang buong katawan kapag di nakainom, its just that when i get introduced to my addiction again my nervous system starts to malfunction: here let me give you a brief description of exactly what happens, when im not with or anywhere near my addiction im all well and normal. I act sane and perfectly rational, i make wise decisions and everything seemed to be fine however if i get near my addiction and much worst if i get to be with my addiction i totally whack up, i become insane and the world turns upside down for me, im delusional, and totally irrational almost out of my self and out of control. but its a great feeling actually, to be insane and delusional, i get happy even if i shouldnt be. and i get this high...a feeling that im ok im fine and i dont have problems, its like im not human anymore, like all i can feel is nice and happy even if i should be worrying and sad and problematic, its like this addiction of mine protects me from reality and imprisons me in a bubble where my world is always perfect but once that bubble burst then im faced with tons and tons of problem of my own doing and usually brought about because of my addiction. its like i make perfectly insane decisions that would ruin my life and then when things are normal again thats the only time i get to "really" know what ive done. (sigh!) its like this addiction of mine has some power over me, takes control of my whole existence on that brief moment of insanity and then pooof! when i wake up everything is messed up and to my surprise, i am the one to blame for everything. crap! i can utterly survive without my addiction, totally not dependent on it but i cant help but deal with it sometimes..its like its part of my life and once in every while its inevitable to not to cross its path and then the insanity will start all over again because although i can get on with my life without it, its like its encripted on my life's path and i have no choice but to deal with it every once in a while but the thing is, i always fail, i cant defeat it, its much too strong for me, ive tried several times not to get affected but when im around my addiction its like im hypnotized and delusional again and theres nothin i can do to stop it! well so much for brief description huh!(sigh!) i feel very hopeless right now and i dont know what to do...inside of me i know the time is near and ill be having to deal with my addiction again sooner. i feel its coming but i still dont have the strength to fight it, im totally defenseless against it, all i can do is succumb to its power and relish every second im under the influence, treasure the happiness and prepare myself for the mess im about to induce myself with....

mY tHiRd...

my third blog...i cant say its an accomplishement, but the fact na ala pa akong call right now is an miracle..hehe. Parang andami ksing calls ngaun, andaming taong nangangailangan ng tulong sa fone...technically and im pretty sure same goes emotionally, mentally, physically and lhat na ata ng -ally. Come to think. If you are like me in the real world...like you are the technicall support people come up to when theyhave problems in life, who would you come up to if you are the one in trouble. Unlike here at the office , you will seek help of a higher authority which would either be the supervisor or a level 2 support, in real life, i know "the faithfuls" will advice us to come up to the highest of the highest a.k.a. God. I dont have anything against this neither am i an atheist or something to that effect. I just remember back in my college days where my English professor out of no where suddenly popped the question that made my whole belief change. I mean, im basically pretty much like other christian for the record. i have attended bible schools back in my childhood days, memorized tons of bible verses, attended sunday service, prayer meetings and almost taught the bible school as well. but then this life changing, nerve wracking mind boggling question that almost turned my life upside down: Where did evil come from? Im not sure if i got it from the bible or from other sources but i recall believing that everything was made by or came from God so basically it struck me hard when that question was raised because from what i know then i have to believe that evil also comes from God? is it true?up until now i still dont know the answer to this question...sure hope i do find one before my time runs out...anyway i find it very surprising how my pleasant post became a lil unpleasant at the end...lolz. ciao!

na-excite..

ok 2nd post ko na toh in a day...actually kakapost ko lng nung first ko kso nainspire lng ako eh...i j ust wud lyk to say...na minsan dapat mag ingat tyo sa mga winiwish nten...u never really know if your wish is going to be granted ksya dpat always pabor syo ang laman ng mga wishes mo and be sure you wont regret them...at one point in my lyf i wished ksi na sna maranasan ko ulet ung malito...in the sense na mlito in the name of love...hehe wow! nlupet noh? i mean well, i do admit it comes with a number of benefits...ego booster ang magkaron ng 2 guys after you at the same tym ryt?
sbi nga nila humahaba ang hair mo ng bonggang bongga pero sa simula muka man itong harmless pag tumagal naku mahirap toh neng...kya be careful always wat u wish for kasi minsan imbes mapabuti nakocomplicate nten ang buhay naten ng di cnasadya

my first

this is my very first blog...im happy...hehe. well because of a number of reasons. Una mahirap iaccess and frinedster from the office nakablocked at risky naman magproxy...hahaha, second namiss ko na magsulat. passion ko toh eh. Naalala ko pa kung pano gumuho ang mundo ko (ambigat noh?) nung nagcrash ang aking pc at ksamang naglaho at di na narescue ang mga pinaghirapan kong essays, novels and poems...napasigaw ako nun.."shit!" parng a part of myself was gone forever nung mwla un. Nilipat ko pa naman xa from hard copy to soft copy thinking i could make it last longer(obviously to kip it safe from mga rodents and weathering tpos un pla mawawala din. asar di ba noh? Anyways 3rd reason y im happy eh kse ung blog ko prang friend yan eh...perfect friend pa nga..the only one who wil never leave u nor forsake u d b? u can say even the most intimate things about urself without fear of being ridiculed ksi si blog tanggap lng ng tanggap at di marunong mag-reject...hay naku m just glad at pde na let akong magkip ng post of my feelings and anything and everything under the sun..hehe,...MABUUHAY ANG BLOGGERS!!! bow!