gustong gusto na kitang tnungin...

"what makes me different from all your exes..?"

pero ndi ko magawa..instead..i tell you all about how unique and special and one of a kind you are that makes me love you so much. then i keep my fingers crossed hoping that maybe...maybe you got the hidden message conveyed in my sentences...maybe you know how to read between the lines and start telling me what i want to hear..what i want to know.

pero bakit ko nga ba gustong malaman pa kung anong ikinaiba ko sa knila? bkit?..perhaps its the paranoia in me...the insecurities..the fear...im afraid that if i am not special..if i am just like all of them..your past...i might end up like them too...it scares the hell out of me. so i need to know..i need to know that you are thinking im special..that you are convinced im different...that you believe im the one and the last. pero pano?

i know one sure way of knowing is by asking...but i cant bring my self to ask you that stupid question..i dont know if im scared to hear the truth..or if im really just that coward.

then finally, one day, i was able to muster enough courage to ask you "the question" but i dont know what to make out of your answer....

me: babe, what makes me special?
you: huh?
me: i mean..what makes me different from all of your ex's
you: hmm..that's a tough one..i never really compare you with them. Anyway, what makes you ask that kind of question?
me: wala lng..i was just thinking, there should be sunthing special with me because if im just like them, i might end up like them dont you think?
you: hindi naman...hmm..ikaw ang pinaka malambing sa lahat at ang pinaka sexy, saka pinaka magandang ipin
me: (really disappointed) ahh ok..

all answers i got were all superficial. i like the part that you think im the sexiest amongst us but i am  not satisfied. my paranoia wasnt satiated. i wanted a different answer...a more meaningful one. (sigh) 

and another question popped in my mind...a question i probably would never ask you...a question you probably cant answer...."am i good enough?"

yOu...

i love watching you sleep. Just lying by your side and staring at your face. i never tire of doing it and perhaps never will. looking at you while you peacefully doze off and fill the room with the sound of your snore which meeans you are in deep slumber, makes me feel contentment and happiness i have never felt before.I never knew happiness...happiness never knew me, but you introduced us and now gone are the days that I hopelessly wonder what will become of me, forgotten are the times when tears and loneliness succumb me. i was broken yet you picked me up. you saw through the shattered remnants of my being and believed in me. I almost thought there was nothing left i could give...nothing left to share..but you proved me wrong. It was like you knew me better than i knew myself. you made me feel special..made me feel loved...made me realize i am beautiful and worthy of happiness like everyone else. before you, i thought i was void...an empty shell...the past battle has consumed me entirely but little by little...day after day..i heal. and little by little ever so gently, hope and faith came seeping right back. there was indeed a rainbow after the rain and i can see that now. and as i inch my way to recovery, ill stay here beside you..watching you sleep..staring at your face and listening to you snore. ill never tire of doing it until we grow old together..now and forevermore...I LOVE YOU...Happy Anniversary!

LoNging...

Ive seen a picture of you today...nothing is new because i always see you in my mind..you are always in my thoughts no matter the distance..no matter what happened. other people may put doubt on your mind...they may have painted a not so very pretty image of me in your eyes but trust me when i say...i never stopped loving you. you have been a regular visitor in my dreams..in my thoughts. i have a special place for you in y heart that nobody can ever replace. i love you...you may not understand my actions or question me someday why i did the things i did. i may never make you understand. I'm not proud of everything that Ive done and its no use throwing blame to other people for we all know that no matter how mundane, it is always us, who are held responsible for things that happen in our lives. if I'm given the chance to do things over again I cant say ill do anything differently. Ive found peace and happiness where I am right now and I'm sure you've found your share of happiness too, though i know in my heart that you long for me as i likewise long for you. there are days i see you in every face i look at. there are a lot of moments that i wish i could hold you in my arms. I never wanted for us to part but i guess its fate. You serve a purpose that no one else can take. I know our lives would intertwine again someday and i look forward to it. i look forward to the day that i will be able to hold you again, feel your embrace and hear your voice calling out my name. I miss you so much and it hurts not being able to let you know how i feel...it hurts so bad that i have to bury you deep in my heart for the meantime and try to forget the longing that i feel..i would just have to find solace in the thought that one day...one day...the wait will be over and i can call you mine again.