bigla ko lng naisip, sabi nila: happiness is a choice. sabi nga sa office namin "choose to be happy". pero naisip ko din, sa lahat ba ng oras kasali sa option mu na maging masaya? kasama ba sya lagi sa pagpipilian na parang multiple choice question sa exam? kasi if that is so, edi sana lahat ng tao yun ang pinipili? sino ba ang may gustong maging malungkot? ang mangulila? magalit?nwalan ng pag asa?o makaramdam ng kahit ano pa mang negatibo? lagi naman kahit sinong tao siguro ang tanungin, ang isasagot sau ay " i just want to be happy" pero minsan kahit anong gusto naten, kahit anong pilit naten, kahit anong hiling naten wala eh, mailap talga ang happiness. contrary to a popular softdrink ad, mahirap mahanap ang happiness. minsan iisipin naten dapat masaya tayo, kumpleto ang pamilya, may pagkain sa hapag, napapag aral ang mga anak, may matutulugan, may kuryente, pero sapat na ba ang mga bagay na yan para mapasaya ang tao? kahit ang pinakamayayaman aminado na hindi lng puro pera ang usapan pagdating sa happiness. may mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa atin na hindi nabibili ng pera. ngunit anu ba ang mga ito? para saken, ang 2 araw na day off ko ay hindi ko ipagbibili, ang kalayaan mangarap,...ng mga magagandang bagay..ng mga what ifs..ang mapanuod ang anak kong payapang natutulog..ang makakita ng rainbow...ng full moon...ng mga ulap..mga ibon at bulaklak. ang mabuhay...ang makaramdam...makapag pasaya ng iba. parang ang simple lang ng mga yan. siguro iniisip mo na ako ay isang taong palaging masaya...katulad ng halos lahat ng kakilala ko at nakakailala sa akin, ang tingin nila sa akin ay isang taong masayahin at palangiti. pero hindi laging ganon. nang mawala ang papa, nalungkot ako, isang anyo ng lungkot na napakalalim, sinaid ata nya lahat ng kaligayahan sa puso ko tpos nagkasunod sunod na prang landslide ang pagdausdos ng buhay ko..pababa..pailalim na parang hindi na ako makakaahon pa. nakakangiti pa ren ako..nakakatawa pero hungkag, payak, at wlang laman. sa bawat pagkakataon, hindi ako pinatatahimik ng kalungkutan at feeling ko lalo syang nadaragdagan. it was a loosing battle. matagal na panahon, it felt like eternity, my world was void of rainbows, of laughter..of sunshine..of birds and flowers. agony became my bestfriend..doubt is my neighbor...loneliness is my companion. maybe i could say, i was severely depressed. lots of nights i will stare at a blade on my wrist and contemplate about ending my life. ill spend hours crying while staring at that shiny metal on my hand until i grow tired and find myself adrift in dreams that i so painfully wish would become my reality. minsan naiisip ko, ndi kaya pwedeng irequest yung eternal sleep? tulog ka lng gnon, while dreaming...being happy in your make believe world where everything is as you want them to be.

happiness is a choice right? its a decision...there's always 2 faces to everything and it depends on us which face we want to concentrate our gaze into..how we wish to perceive things. we can always choose to look at the "brighter side of things", as how they put it, but sometimes we also have to look at the dark side..to maintain balance..to maintain logic. remember the symbol? yinyang? we would never know the good if we havent known the bad, positive wouldnt exist if there is no negative, we wont knoe light if there is no darkness. These two are intertwined, one has to exist for the other to survive and it depends on us to choose. But like what ive read somewhere on the internet (ive been reading and straining my eyes a lot these days..lol) we humans are inclined to focus on the negative...Negativity Bias is what they call it. thats the reason why we put too much thought on the nega...thats why we always anticipatethe worst and dwell on the pessimism. That iwe s why even the most jolly person experiences what we call an "emo phase". a time when we greatly focus to not being happy, moping around and succumbing to the thimgs that would obviously upset us...things we dont have control over. its funny actually if you think about it, its almost like, we, humans invent our own problems..our own worries...our own doom. i for one, knows that everything shall come to pass,and i mean everything, forver is just a state...a phase...and forever has an end. now those hopeless romantic dont need to go gaga and build a picket line outside my house for saying it. I am a hopeless romantic too, i enjoy gazing at the stars...the idea of a first kiss..marriage...honeymoon...spooning...cuddling...so im not saying that there is no forever in a relationship. I do believe ther is forever, in essence, the feelings that we have doesnt go away..its not an apparition or a bubble that when bursted cease to exist. Its still there and will always be there ...maybe just in a nother form. but why ami taling about relationships? its not the amain thought of my blog...lol actually i dont know the main thought of this blog..i just picked it up frm my drafts gfolder and is currently attempting to continue the flow. i miss writing you know...i miss expressing my thoughts freely...withuot restrictions..without bias. i want to be able to say things that i gfeel...i think...i believe without inhibitions. without thinking that here maybe someone that would be hurt by what i would say.