thE daY i liVEd aNd diEd...

Aug 18, 2005 the day i died yet started living the reality of life……………..

mahilig akong manuod ng movies….actually there was a point in my lyf i got severly addicted to it….watching every single movie i found interesting……those which appeal to me most are the movies with a father-daughter setup or theme….papa’s gurl xe akoh eh…

mababaw ang luha….iyaken nga daw they say…which sumtyms i use to my advantage…..minsan pag may gusto akong makuha papakita ko lang na teary eyed akoh then thats it…ala na dapat pang pagusapan…it always works like magic….especially with my dad….onteng lambing…kiss sa chicks ok lng…..pag magagalet na sya pag late akohng umwi kesa sa paalam kong oras….himas sa kamay kiss sa chicks and my killer sweet smile ok na let ang mood nya….papa’s gurl xe koh….

pag mainet ulo niya…lahat ng tao nasisinghalan…..pag naiinip sya(ayaw niya xe ng pinaghihintay sya) lahat ng tao kagagalitan…pati akoh sempre pero as always i just do my stuff and it wud work lyk magic…gud mud na let sya…papa’s gurl akoh eh….

then one time we had an argument….taz nabago lahat…nawala ung kiss sa chicks everytym i get home or b4 i go out of the house…..nwala ung lambing at hawak sa kamay at killer sweet smile to ease him from his bad mood….super tampo akoh….of cors with valid reasons naman…the argument was bout him and mama….same old story pa rin…bothered akoh…hurt and troubled kung baket di sila ksal…during those years of my life i was still soo damn naive of things….conventional pah koh masyado…maliit pa xe ung mundong gingalawan koh…for me common law relationship was a term never heard of….and being categorized as "illegitimate" in any document i see is a blow on my personality and on my heart….xe ung tagalized version nung illegitimate panget pakinggan…"bastardo" d b?

i was hurting and in pain….and my relationship with my papa suffered a great deal….di na kme kcng sweet at close tulad ng dati…and i started growing fondness with my mom instead…as i sympathized with her i grew hating my papa….i cant understand why….whats the reasons behind those things he never told or explained to me…..

sabe koh sa sarili koh…."kylan kaya kame babalik sa date…" i was hating him but still deep inside of me was the papa’s gurl longing so much for his attention and affection….everytime he wud favor my bro over me i get angry but i never showed any signs of it….i get jealous but i kept it to myself….there was even a tym in my life i cursed him and hated him so much i wished him dead….

i wish i cud take that wish back….

aug. 17 around 9 am outside the O.R. of Nova General hospital all of us wer anxiously waiting for the doctors to give us an update about my papa’s colon operation…..

just like the movies….the doctor went out and told us a dreadful news…my very dear papa is in critical condition….he suffered a cardiac arrest shortly after the operation….we cudnt accept it…..especially me….papa’s gurl akoh eh…

i wished him dead alryt but i never meant it…..i wasnt serious bout it…..icant accept it….for me it was lyk inthe movies…just a scene…..just a scene….

we wer all devastated…especially me..i didnt even got the chance to talk with him and say sorry..or perhaps give him a last hug or a kiss on a cheeks just lyk the old times….

i wasnt even given the chance to tell him i still am his lil gurl..and that lil gurl never stopped loving him even though we started having different opinions on certain things….i never even got to hold his hands and tell him im always here or let him see my killer sweet smile one last tym….

it was damn frustrating for me.papa’s gurl akoh eh…..ang papa koh….he was a strong man….very strong and he seldom or i can say next to never shown any signs of weakness..not even after he was confined and dextrosed and not even before he was operated….my mom said he even got to his feet and laid his self on the stretcher…..he was a man of authority….

nobody cud order or boss him around….he was strong….he was my hero….my idol….my papa….but the next day wen we saw him.he was far from the strong authoritative man ive known since childhood….he lay unconcious on the hospital bed…..he was breathing through a respirator and there wer so many gadgets attached to him…..my strong papa now seemed so helpless before me….my heart was breakin into pieces as i tried to talk to him although i know he cant hear me….i talked to him…..held his hands….his cheeks…i stroked his silver grey hair and whispered how much i love him into his ears…."Papa pagaling ka nah….im sorry sa mga kasalanan koh ha….i love you….pagaling kah xe gagraduate na koh…" i told him but my breakin heart was so damn scared coz i feared that i may loose him any moment….

those times i feel like i cud trade anythin…anythin…..just anythin in this world just to see him on his feet agen….di bale ng di akoh ang lil gurl niya…to hell with the marriage thing…..the hell with my jealousy….khit anoh gumaling lang sya….

pero…aug 18 at 5 am i died with him……para akong batang iniwan sa gitna ng dagat….i felt so lost and so weak….i never thought that he was holding our family together….wen we lost him para kming mga kawayan ng balsa na nagpumiglasan nung nawala ung tali…lumong lumo di alam ang gagawin…..

i wasnt ready….but i started living….nalaman koh….in the real world….living is as real as dying….alam kong may death but i never knew it first hand….iba pla….iba ang pakiramdam pag ikw ang namatayn….nuon parang "yeah ryt..buhay ka ok ….thats lyf blah blah…" ngaun parang everyday i get scared coz what if its ur last day on earth and i didnt even got ready for it….

and you know wats more frustrating bout it…..at ang pinakamasakit sa lhat….di ko man lng nasabe na " papa…..sins then til now i still am a papa’s gurl….ur lil gurl…i love u so much…" parang gustong sumabog ng puso ko sa lungkot at depression…..

andme kong gusto sbihin…andame ko pang gustong gawin kasama sya…..andame pah…..i even got to the point i was blaming him for leavin us so soon….and also questionin God for taking him away from us….so soon…..just so soon….

we cud have talked or watch a movie together….or shared secrets…..or stroll in the park…or eat our favorite fud together or just sit beside each other and talk….chat….

pucha!!! lyf is unfair noh…..until now i cant beliv he is gone….yoko!!! yokong maniwala n wala na sya….for me he had just gone to work and will be back soon….

di koh pa kaya ang heartaches….ang pain….di koh pa kaya tanggapin at di ko lam kung hanggang kylan toh….i dont know if there will be a tym ill get over it…..

for now all i know is i died and lived last aug 18, 2005

mY vEry fIrst...

toh ung first post koh….first tym na nlaman qng pede pla magpost sa blog q…first tym na nalungkot ako today xe may nabasa aqng isang nakakalungkot na babasahin….sumthin that

almost made me cry….

just wen ive thought that im one of the most unlucky…saddest being on earth…

i read this letter that almost made me cry…so sad so full of emotions na nakakahawa…

then i realized…oh well..im still better off than most pipz…

here in my private world kung saan akoh lang at tanging ako ang nakakakilala sa sarili koh…

at ang mga taong malalapit saken na ni walalng alam sa tunay na akoh….di koh maintindihan bakit napakahirap para saken

na ipakita sa kenila ang tunay na akoh..

mahirap..napakahirap magtiwala….sa likod ng aking mga ngiti…sa likod ng aking katatagan…sa likod ng mga kasiyahan at kapraningang kanilang nakikita ay ang hughkag na pakiramdam na solo koh ang mundo koh..

sa mundo kong ako lang at tanging akoh ang nakakaalam ng tunay na akoh…ako lng at bukod tanging akoh ang kayang umunawa at tumanggap sa tunay na akoh….akoh lang at tanging akoh ang maaring makinig…

may ilang pagkakataong binigayan NIYA ako ng mga taong biniyayaan ng kakayahang umunawa…magmhal…ng tunay..totot at buong puso…

ngunit sakim ang kapalaran…palagi niya akong inaapi..kinukuha ang iilang taong maari kong kanlungan…ang iilang pusong may kakayahang gamutin ang maysakit kong kaluluwa….ang iilang kaibigang maari kong sulingan na syang makakunawa makakaintindi sa akin…

kylan….kaylan kaya akoh lalaya…? kayalan muling titibok ang puso kot magtitwala…?kaylan ko masasabing bukod sa aking sarili ay may iba pang maaring magmamahal sa akin ng totoo…makinig at umunawa at tanggapin ang akong matagal nang nagtatago sa likod ng mga pagal na halakhak at kasiyahang huwad…..

dumating ka na sana aking tagapgligtas…alisin mo ako sa aking kinalalgyan…pawiin ang mga luha at ibigay ang pag-asa…ayaw ko nang sa aking paggcing ay muli kong matunghayan ang mundong mapanghamak…at matagpuan sa aking sarili ang katotohanang ako at bukod tanging akoh lamang ang natitirang totoong magmamahal at makikinig sa akin……

mA-cUddLe aKo...

pangatlo ko nang revision ng post to. kaasar!!! di ko malaman kung ano gusto ko iblog. nahihirapan akong iconvey ang feelings ko ngayon..bakit ba kapag nasa bus ako saka ko naiisip lahat ng gusto ko iblog? bakit sa oras na humakbang na papasok ang mga paa ko sa opisina di ko na maibalik ang mga bagay na naiisip ko habang nasa byahe ako?
nakita ko yang picture na yan sa web, may kung anong kumurot sa puso ko.
parang naramdaman kong may kulang sa akin, para akong di na tao minsan.
nawala sa routine ko ang pagpapakita at pagpapadama na tao ako...
kailan na nga ba ako huling niyakap?
kailan na ba ako huling yumakap?
sino na nga ba ang huli kong niyakap?
sino na nga ba ang huling yumakap sa akin?
kailan na nga ba ako huling nakipag-holding hands?
kailan na yung huling beses na naisandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat ng isang taong malapit sa akin?
kailan na ba yung huling pagkakataong binuksan ko ang puso ko sa iba?
kailan na ba yung huling pagkakataong may nakakita sa aking umiyak?
kailan na nga ba....
kailan kaya ulit....
emosyonal akong tao, nung highschool nga ako i feel like ive got so much love inside me and if i could just know someone whom i can share it with sobrang happy na siguro ako.
takot kasi ako sa rejection....
takot akong mauna magpakita ng emosyon sa iba kasi baka di lang ma-appreciate and much worst, baka di naman mareciprocate
nakakatawa kasi minsan sobrang mahal at mahalaga sa kin ang isang tao pero kahit katabi ko na sya or kasama napaka civil ko pa rin makitungo sa kanya
tsk..ang hirap pigilan ang emosyon, habang iniipit mo at tinatago lalong kumakawala at dagdag hirap pa ang pagiging babae ko, masyadong intune sa feelings at emosyon
kaya nga sa isang relasyon di ako makatagal siguro. kasi ako baliktad eh, habang tumatagal lalong lumalalim ang nararamdaman ko para sa isang tao, bawat araw lalo ko syang minamahal at natatakot akong sobra sa maaaring mangyari pag ganon kasi alam ko ang iba lalo na ang mga lalaki, habang lumilipas ang panahon, nagsasawa sila at ika nga eh "they fall out of love"
imaginin ko palang yung eksenang sobrang mahal ko na yung tao habang sya naman eh ayaw na sa skin, parang gusto ko nang mamatay sa sama ng loob.
i used to believe in soulmates and true love, pero sa tagal na ng pinaghintay ko at sa dami ng kabiguan na naranasan ko, minsan nagdududa na rin ako.
but still, the fact remains, malambing talaga ako, kailangan nga lang mabura muna sa isip ko ang takot sa rejection or makumbinse muna akong i wont get rejected bago ko maipakita ang lambing na yun.

eMotE...

first day of training for my new post and im excited...bakit? kasi one week petiks mode toh...hehe sorry for the slang "petiks" means chillax mode kasi training nga so la masyado pressure sa work and one week to kaya masaya..teka mukhang paulit ulit na ako ah..and lately napapansin ko lagi akong nag-sstammer while talking..is it because of soo many things running havoc on my mind? is that the reason i cant get words srtaight out of my mouth? hay!!! anyway, first time ko nakita si boss after a long while. it always amazes me to see him kasi well, dati pa naman kasi akong amazed sa mga foreigners lalo na with their blue/green eyes. sometimes i fall into a trance while looking at them...at one point nga yung tatay ni james naiirita na sa sobrang "pagka-amaze" ko sa kakaiba nilang mata. kasi naman noh..its uncommon to see people with those colors of the eyes natural dahil pinoy tayo. ganun naman talaga yun di ba? anything that is unusual always command attention from the curious ones hehe...going back to my story, so ayun nga nakita ko si boss after a long hiatus. he went over to our stations and nag-emote..
"do you know guys why i seldom come over here? its because i just get approached with 3 things...either for peysaluvong, treats or id laces...you guys dont appreciate me as me..." with matching turo ng 2 kamay sa sarili niya.
"but ___ thats how we appreciate you and show you ur needed..." joke ko naman sabay ngisi
"yeah right.." dugtong nya sa tonong pabiro din
but the truth is we missed him really...actually we were talking about him just the other day wondering what is taking him so long to go back here. siguro lang kasi we are kinda allienated by his culture but we do miss him. saka kasi para bang dahil tyong mga pinoy ay likas na magagalang kahit na nagpapakita ng sense of equality among employees sa office we still cant help it but put distance between us and the bosses. siya binababa ang sarili for us to reach him habang kami naman, we push him away but it doesnt mean na ayaw namin sya, culture differences lang. pero siguro time will come... tulad nung isang boss na afro-american na hit na hit sa mga pinoy employees dito...time will come we will manage to overcome the difference and patch up tha gap that exists between us and him.

cRappY...

hay naku...ive blogged already for this post kaya lang since my computer had been acting really funky today (probably because it was reghosted by the IT staff without informing us beforehand) yan tuloy crappy ngayon sya...internet connection always times out tapos nawala pa yung mga important applications and pictures and documents na na-accumulate ko within the past 6 months...grrr!!! bad trip talaga. yung post ko kanina nawala ren. tsk...well the only good thing that this caused was that i wasnt able to make calls for the first half of my shift...hehehe kasi naman for the first hour ata eh i was configuring and trying badly to recover all my passwords needed for me to have access on the important sites of the company..nyek!!pano ako magsusupport if i cant access the database noh! and then there was my first break and then right after was our team meeting, with some unexpected good news..,.wahaha!!! i was really worried that it would take me years before i could free myself fromthe memo i was given...meaning it would take me years before i could be eligible for promotion
good thing they are gonna imply the new policy and that means they would start fresh meaning all previous offenses are erased. sana pede ang gnon sa real life no? start fresh and erase all the previous wrongs that you did...anyway so yun nga ibig sabihin ill get my chance on the promotion afterall...nyehehe

dAyDrEaMiNg....

havent i told you about the good things that happened to me these past days? i think im being biased if i keep psoting all the bad things in my life without an update on the good ones that happen every once and a while. you might get the impression na ginagawa kitang toilet bowl (labasan ng sama ng loob) which is not true (well...mostly) hahaha

anyway, just to keep you posted bout the good "stuffs" last july i was hailed as the Quality Champion of the Month kasi daw i had 3 consecutive perfect scores sa QA monitorings and also in that same month im the 2nd on the stack ranking of all the performing agents in this account for that they (my superiors) gave me a webcam plus a certificate of recognition and (supposed to be) 2 starbucks gc's which i havent recieved until now and also i recieved a special prize which is the 2gb memory card. how cool is that? whatelse? naku mukhang short ang list ko ng good "stuffs" ah.

well, havent seen a rainbow these past few months , not even a falling star i might add. kaya naman i wasnt able to wish pa. pero date lam mo bang to get over with my frustration daydreaming became my fave past time. i would close my eyes and imagine what ill do if i won the lottery....hahaha i hope its not a sign of psychosis though....anyway kasi during those times i was stuck on a really crappy situation and i wasnt seeing any immediate resolution for that so what i do to keep myself sane is to pretend i won the lottery and with eyes closed ill imagine exactly what ill do from the moment i "discover" i am a brand new millionare to claiming the prize to planning how to spend and keep tha money i won.

kumpletos rekados dude, umpisa iisipin ko kung paano ko malalaman na nanalo ako, kunwari daw sa newspaper tapos iisipipn ko kung sino ang gusto kong unang makaalam at kung sino lang ang pwedeng makaalam lang. Sempre una kong sasabihan mom ko tapos since wala akong kapera pera hihingi ako ng tulong sa kanya para maasikaso ko ang pagkuha ng prize ko tapos daw paglabas namin sa PCSO im imagining na check yung prize so with that diretso kami sa bank to encash 100,000 the rest of my millions half goes to time deposit and the other half is split between a saving acct and an atm account tapos bibigyan ko daw si mama ng 1million pesos(wow!) and you're probably wondering for what is the hundred thousand? well, ipangsha-shopping namin yun ni mama kami lang dalawa. ive always wanted to treat her out and give her all the pleasures in life that she missed out because of taking care of us especially since my papa died. So pupunta daw kami sa SM then magpapa-spa un ang first thing. Full body spa sarap non crap! i could already imagine the pleasure....tapos nun kakain kami dun sa most expensive restaurant available tapos papasok kami sa salon to get a makeover (total makeover noh) magpaparebond ako, facial, haircut and everything tapos iiwan ko muna si mama sandali sa salon and sasaglit ako sa phone shop para ibili si mama, si peter at ako ng latest model ng nokia complete with accessories, extra batteries and take note...linya to ha hindi prepaid! then ill go to LBC sempre within the mall premises para ipa- one day delivery ang cp ni pete. babalik ako sa salon kay mama then aalis na kami to go shopping but before that sasaglit muna kami sa isang driving school at mag-eenroll ako for a week training. tapos pupunta na kami sa dept store to shop till we drop. magiging parang model si mama at magsasawa sa kakafit ng mga outfits at kakabitbit ng mga branded shopping bags na naglalaman ng aming pinamili. how cool is that? tapos sporting one of our newest fasion dresses tatawag kami sa bahay to check kung andun na ang mga kapatid ko at pasunurin sila sa mall and continue shopping again.

sempre the next day ma-rereceive na ni pete ang cp nya and ill call him to surprise him and tell him i got an increase, ill not let him know i wono the lottery kasi im sure that will be the good thing to do. tapos ill not meet him in a week habang nagtitraining ako magdrive and then when i get my license ill buy one of those cute cars tapos drive myself over to peter's place with my new car and call him on his phone to get out and meet me tapos ma-susurprise sya kasi lalabas ako from that new car im driving. heck! i can just imagine the surprise and the reaction on his face hehe. then we'll go to the mall, shop him clothes and buy him a psp then ill bring him over a motorcycle shop and ask him kung alin dun ang gusto nya if ever we can already afford one. once he chose ill talk to the manager behind his back and pay for the motorcycle in cash wahaha!!! then the next day ill surprise him when the model he chose gets to be shipped to him...

imagining these really gives me a break and sometimes even leads me to sleep

dEAdLy wAiT...

i went to work today with just enough money to get me to office...anlakas ng loob ano? if a lost even a peso from my money i wont be able to make it here and i dont even want to think about where i would end up...hahaha

anyway, im suppose to send you a text message about our "planned" meet later today pero subalit ngunit datapwat sa kadahilanang ako'y talaga namang gipit ngayon ay mukhang hindi ito matutuloy at kaylangan ko nalang ihanda ang sarili ko sa mga possible consequences na idudulot nito:

scenario a: magagalit ka, aawayin ako at makikipaghiwalay na naman(for the nth time...)

scenario b: you will understand pero sa loob loob mo iisipin mong pinaasa na naman kita

or

scenario c (ito ang pinapanalangin kong mangyari) : ok lang sayo as long as may dagdag ang share mo next cut off with no hard feelings

hay...(sigh!) medyo natanggap ko na at alam ko na rin naman na sa buhay naten, however dreadful the situation at hand is, lagi namang natatapos...actually the hardest part of the problem is always the anticipation...yung aknowledgement na may problema at ang pamomroblema ng problema. Actually habang palapit ang problema lalong lumalala ang anticipation which is funny dahil most of the time wala namang nagagawa ang pag-iisip at pamomroblema kundi dagdagan ang wrinkles mo, sirain ang araw mo, palalain ang stress mo, pahinain ang resistance at bigyan ka ng sakit. pero for some reason, ang tao ay di maiwasang mag-worry. kaasar kasi kahit alam mo namang kahit anong mangyari ang problema ay parang process: may beginning at may end, katulad ng lahat ng movies na may beginning, may climax at may ending and of course ang ending ay inevitable meaning di mo maiiwasan na matapos yun so whenever youre stuck in a problem all you need to do is to keep in mind that no matter how BIG the problem is you'll always get through. ang tanong lang dyan dude is HOW.

sempre may happy ending, may sour, may bitter, may bland hahaha pero definitely walang ending na NeverEnding and thats the good thing that we should be thankful for.

so ngayon i can say im in the middle of the "storm" na....tsk...tsk....tsk (sigh!) tapos na ako sa anticipation part which is good hihintayin ko na lang ang magiging outcome nito because obviously wala na sa kamay ko ang "bola" di ko na hawak ang susunod na mangyayari that is why im just readying myself for possible outcomes i just wish mapaghandaan ko lahat kasi madalas na-ooverlook ko ang mga bagay kaya naman lagi palpak

anyway ulet the only thing i should worry about right now is to make sure makakuha ako ng pamasahe pauwi...wahahaha!!!

wAt tO Do???

hay naku....just another day (sigh!) so many things are troubling my mind...

ano bang date na ngayon?

shit kaylangan ko pang magpass ng 3 requirements to qualify myself for the regularization icrease!

shit! yung regularization increase sa 30th pa magtitake effect that is if naipasa ko ng maaga ang needed requirements....

shit! i need extra cash on the 15th pambayad ng utang....

shit! i need money on saturday kasi naipangako ko sayo na dadagdagan ko ang binigay ko kahapon....

shit! i need money mamaya pamasahe ko to office kase pauwi nalng ang meron ako...

shit! kaylangan ko rin ng addidtional 500 to get over with one more week bago magsahod ulet....

shit! sa first week of novemeber kaylangan ko na naman ng pera for an important occassion...

tsk....tsk...tsk....never ending na pangangailangan ang kaharap ko ngayon at ang mga answers ay parang nasa distant future pa:

the latest would be next month at marerecieve ko na ang increase ko....

starting november may paid sl's na ako

second week of december may 13th month na kami

sabi ni TL kumpletong 20 sl's ang ikoconvert to cash sa amin by december...

my credit card would probably be approved by third week this month...

matatapos na ang utang ko this year....

hay naku! bakit ang problems napakalapit? bakit ang answers lahat distant? hell! di ko naman pwedeng sabihin sayo na sa 15 nalng tayo magkita para dagdagan ko ang binigay ko...siguradong magtatampo ka na naman at mag-aaway tayo...

di naman ako pwedeng mag-absent na naman dahil wala akong pamasahe na for the entire week next week....

calm down! paganahin ang utak at magdevice ng alternatives...

susubukan kong ibenta ang aking memory card for a couple hundred.....sinubukan 1x....2x....negative

susubukan kong mangutang sa kaibigan......sinubukan....1x.....2x.....negative

ano pa ba ang pwede kong subukan? shit! im running out of options....

sana pwede ko nalang itulog to or ipikit ang mata ko at paggising ko ok na lahat wala ng problema

waaaahhhhh!!!!

mula noong pagkabata hanggang magdalaga hanggang ngayon na "adult" na daw ako ive always felt alone. funny kasi during my childhood days i never ranout of friends. lagi akong busy sa pagtulong....

nard, may assignment ka na ba? do you want me to teach you?---

o sige guys, mag arrange tayo ng surprise birthday party for____...

hello?kaylangan mo ng kasama sa pagsundo sa kapatid mo? ok ill be thre?

ano?! nagbreak kayo ng boyfriend mo? dont worry im here for you...

may gusto ka kay ___yaan mo..ilalakad kita...

kung tutuusin ive been one hell of a great friend. i guess kung magkakaron ng homecoming ill grab the "best friend of the year award" ive always been the "strong" one ako yung pader na sandalan ng lahat, takbuhan, pahingahan, tagaligtas, tagapakinig,tanda ko pa ang sabi ng papa non....

lagi ka nalang tumutulong siguro sa past life mo philantrophist ka...

no wonder ang present career ko ngayon ay tech support.

nothing much had changed, ako pa rin ang takbuhan ng may problema, ng mga nangangailangan ng tulong, ng mga mahina, as usual im still always here 24/7 support 5 days a week. pero ang matagal ko nang gustong malaman...kung ang sandalan, pader, tagapagligtas naman ang mangailanagn ng tulong sino ang malalapitan? crap! sa totoo lang ayaw kong lumayo ang topic sa pagsolve ng problems ko at hand. napapaisip lang ako kung bakit sa buhay ko never naging totoo yung kasabihan "no man is an island" kasi ive always felt alone especially in times of need. ako lang at ang sarili ko ang pwedeng magsolve ng problems ko, walang ibang malapitan, wala halos makapitan...at ako lang at ako ang nakikinig sa akin kapag may problema ko, ang dumadamay at nakakita sa mga paglulha at pagdadalamhati na dinaranas ko....enough of emoting and going back to the issue...

ano na ang gagawin ko ngayon?

try mo mag pray--sabi ng maliit na boses sa utak ko

try mo but i assure you it will never work like so many times you tried---sabi ng pesimista sa loob ko

may iba pa bang choice?---singit ng praktikal na bahagi ng aking pagkatao

ano? ano na ang gagawin ko ngayon?

nAkaKaiNis!!!

late ako ngaun...ten minutes to be exact (sigh!) pumasok ako di ako nagdinner kagabi di rin ako nagbreakfast knina...(sigh ulet!) di naman ako nagdadiet, di na ako qualified for one, feeling ko nga sobra na akong "slim" (sigh! na naman!) napansin ko knina while im getting ready for work pagtingnin ko sa salamin mugto ang mata ko. No! hindi ako nakipagbuntalan or something! Lalong di ako puyat...well tingin ko hindi naman. The reason kung bakit sya mugto is because inexercise ko na naman ang isang basic characteristic ng pagiging tao, emotion, yeah! nag-emote na naman ako dahil sa yo. You made me cry, you always do. Nakakaasar lang ng sobra kase akala ko im stronger now...kelan na ba kasi yung last time i cried over you? Kelan na ba kasi yung last time na tinopak ka at pinaiyak mo ako? matagal-tagal na rin and these past days madalang tayo magkita. Sa sobrang dalang i thought kaya ko na na wala ka....sa sobrang dalang akala ko ok na sa akin kahit mawala ka....wala nang epekto ang hindi mo pagtawag....wala ng inis na dala ang di mo pagtext in short: dehins na kita namimiss! pero mali pala ako shit! lagi naman akong mali sa akala ko eh! nung magtext ka ulet nagka adrenalin rush ata akong bigla. Kumulay bigla ang paligid at para akong teenager na kinikilig...bwiset!!!ayoko na tong maramdaman eh. Alam ko kasing ill be better off without you kaso ang makulit at pasaway kong puso kapag naalala ka na...kapag narinig na ang boses mo, pag naramdaman na ang paglalambing mo, hayun nahuhulog ulet nang mas malalim kesa sa date...waaaaa!!!!nasabik pa naman ako kaya khit di ko alam ang gagawin ko at alam kong problema na naman ang dala mo sa akin heto na naman ako't inientertain ka pero anong ginawa mo? inaway mo ako, at binantaang hihiwalayan
bad trip talaga...san tau magkikita tom?tanong ko ok na ako kahit wag na kahit kailan.Final dun palang ang mata ko sa kahit wag na gusto ko nang umiyak...yung unang patak ng luha ko nasa sulok na ng mata ko nanghihingi ng go signal from me para pakawalan sya pero pinipigil ko...kasi malakas na ako di ba? sigaw ng practical side ko bayaan mo siya! alam mong di mo sya kayang iwan so mas ok kung sya nlng ang iiwan sayo...wag ka ng magreply tutal sabi nya final na! sabi naman ng puso ko no!!! wag ka pumayag! remember ang usapan nyo>? walang iwanan mainit lng ulo nyan kaya ganyan lecheng buhay toh...ako ang pagod ako ang nagtatrabaho pero ako pa rin ang kelangan umintindi sa kanya pero ano bang magagawa ko eh mas maimpluwensya ang puso ko kesa sa utak (sigh!)eh di ang ending inamo amo ko pa sya at di pa ko nakuntento nagmakaawa pa akong wag akong iwan habang sisinghut singhot at nanginginig ang kamay na pumindot ng mga leter sa celfon na hiniram ko lang sa kapatid ko. habang nagmamakawa ako sayo at nagpapakagago naiiyak ako sa kaiisip kung anong nagawang kong napakalaking kasalanan to deserve this treatment....bakit di ako maswerte sa pag-ibig? bakit yung iba? may favoritism ba si Lord? mababaliw na ata ako sa kakaisip at namugto na ang mata kong kakaiyak pero wala akong nakuhang sagot cge kita tyo tomorrow...dont forget yung hinihingi ko ha?luv u!
yup1 cge tom nalng wag mo na akong iwan ulet ha? luv u!
mangmang!!!bkit nakipagbati ka pa?way out mo na nga un eh
mahal ko sya eh...
mas gaganda ang buhay mo pag iniwan mo sya
pero sa kanya ako masaya...
sira!!! sa kanya ka rin naman nagdurusa!
kasama sa pag ibig un noh....
bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo! wag kang iiyak iyak pag namroblema ka na naman!
hay!!!hanggang kaylan ako magpapauto sayo? hanggang kaylan magiging tanga ang puso ko?
kung meron sanang tech support para sa mga pusong nagmamalfunction kahit may bayad pa magsasabskrayb ako.....nakakainis!!!