Everytime i go to work, the only time i get for myself to think things out is when im sitting by the window of the bus looking outside as the speeding bus passes away the NLEX road. I know it sucks...what?

with all the dust and smoke that i inhale while beaming at the window and trying to compose my thoughts. Crap...im just so damnly confused these days....i saw this video of P and James riding a motorcycle and they sure do look like a happy father and son tandem...damn...my happiness or his happiness? how do you know if you are still inlove and not just being practical? or silly? or maternal? fuck...what to do?what to do? sometimes i just wanna be happy...wanna be myself...sumtyms i feel like im not living my life...i feel like this is not my damn life im living...if i am the one to live my life it wouldnt be like this....rosalyn's life would be happier..livelier...more complete like centrum? hehe pretty much...happiness? why are you so damn elusive to me? why do you always fly away? is it me? is it destiny? what to do? what to think?im sooo fucked up...life's is crap for the rest of my days...

imagine...come to think of it...a happy scene...a complete scene for me with you is by the beach in a starry night...happiness with just me would mean a quarter pounder and me at the top of the cliff wathcing stars...is it so hard? is it complicated?

Well, I saw him today and though the meeting wasn’t quite as I expected, I mean, before, when Im about to see him I get all fidgety and anxious then when I finally get to see his face…I would conjure all my speeches, I make sure I know what I would say to him, my complaints, my pains…everything. But when I see his face all is lost. When I see him smile, I get drowned. I forget all my worries, the pain is washed away and I feel completely happy. But today is a different story. I don know if a month absence made me this way, or if the hormones of pregnancy is making me crazy again. Im not sure. I tried to search inside me if the old feeling is still there. If I just kept it hidden. Or maybe I still have the fire but it’s just not that strong anymore. Of course having something, no matter how little or small it is is totally different from having nothing. I can say at the end of the meeting I was still able to feel something for him although its not that strong. I don’t know. Ive always told everybody and even myself that to me, he is like a drug, the more I have him the more I get addicted and I cant seem to stop. Well, given that fact, and the also the one month freedom I got away from him…would that have been enough to free me of the urge? Of the addiction? Im not sure. Things are a little complicated now, especially with some hormones messing with my brain and my feelings as well.

Am I being too trusting? Am I losing my mind? Am I losing my sense of right and wrong? Most of the time, im being passive about everything else. I know I shouldn’t be engaging myself in this situation. Not even allowing myself indulge in the idea of having an affair. Ugh! It seems mostly improper when I try to put it into words. But when im experiencing it, why does it seems such a benign thing. Is there any explanation on it? How can I be involved with all the wrong guys in the world? Am I such a magnet for abnormalities? Im getting older by the day but I feel like ive lost track of time. His touch…his warmth…they use to send shivers to my core. I don’t understand. I try to understand. I try to compare. Is this the same feeling I had for him before? Now im in dilemma. I know I need to see him one more time so I can be sure. Will he have the same effect to me now that I have someone else? Am I doing him justice? Or im being utterly unfair? By the way things look, this isn’t still pretty much what I wanted. Too far from what I believed I deserve. So does that mean, one way or the other, im still gonna suffer? (Sighs) Will I ever be happy?

do you have a time machine? i wish i could go back in time...back when i was still naive and innocent...when i still look at the world with the eyes of a child. To me, the world was still a magical place. lolz. All you need to do is believe and know where to look. Now, its an entirely different story. Though i know i still have it, i dont believe ive lost it...not entirely at least...

when im with you, i still get a hold of those naivete and innocense and simple pleasure that it brings. And as i was enjoying the cool breeze of the air blowing through the bus window on my way to work i had this list on my mind:



security = means lying in your arms in our bed at night and watching you sleep peacefully

peace = having a cup of coffee with you under the moonlit skies in the wee hours of the morning, my head on your shoulders, legs intertwined and talking about trivial things

romance = sitting by the seashore watching the falling stars with you by my side

just remembered one of my weirdest dreams...well actually i remembered 2 of them. the first one was kinda weird in the sense that i felt like i wasnt supposed to be dreaming like that anymore. ok..i dreamt about my bestfriend. In my dream he just showed up at our house with a couple of our old childhood friends. It was like some sort of a visit. In reality that is far fetched. he is married and now has two kids...plus did i mention that until now his wife is still super jealous of me. It was all because of the undeniable truth that i was her husband's "one great love"...jeez...
so back with my dream...well, he came visited me and of course we had that chit chat and catching up on each other and then i dont remember the exact details anymore(duh! its a dream and its days ago..) but all i can remember is that the background shifted to something like a gathering. pretty much like in our chapel yard or something. bsta there was a gathering and it was like he was making all kinds of excuses to be with me.(i was always outside for some odd reasons) he would always make up something to go out and be with me. he was obviously showing he was still into me and for some weirdness.., i was kinda getting along with him fine...schucks...i cant understand, it was like we have this sumthing going on between us..totally weird. Makes me think what it means to me. Am i just really missing him? or is it my subconscious telling me i have feelings for him which is totally unlike me...if i feel for him, God knows i have all the power to have him, even right before his wedding he still prefers me over his wife to be. but i gave him up because of the simple truth that i dont feel for him. funny coz in my dream we even kissed...just on the cheeks ok?hehe. but i still find it weird.
well the next one is also weird in the actual sense...
i dreamt that we were having an outing. Me and some groupmates i dont even know who...lolz
and it was in some private pool and then there was this monster who is taking my groupmates one by one. The monster just strikes at night and only when you are near or actually in the water. It has long slimy leach-like black arms that it uses to entangle the victim and drag it into the water. it picks victims one at a time. It was horrible. but the weird part is that.., though we have witnessed the thing consume us one by one, the group appears to be oblivious of the danger and still goes about displaying their selves near water. it seemed like i was the only one uber worried and horror stricken to go near any pool or body of water. The monster was afraid of sunlight. it actually melts when exposed to sun's rays. But on the later part of the dream it became very powerful that it started conquering the earth or at least the areas outside the pool's vicinity and we were like left with dwindling options for survival or atleast for a hiding place. I never knew what happens to the people that it takes away. i dont know if it eats them or what. there was no blood and no morbid scenes. it just takes people away one by one.
jeez..talk about dreams...i would very much like to discuss this with a psychologist
i know my dreams has its meaning and understanding the meaning behind them would help me understand my self better.

hey..its been a while. I havent posted for a long time. ok its not a while.. i know its unexcusable...i know. im slacking off. but i just couldnt find the urge you know..im having...now what do they call it again? a writer's block? hehe...close enough. its just that i am not inspired while facing the monitor. i usually get my inspiration elsewhere. and that elsewhere is far from the conducive place for writing. i may get inspired on a tricycle, sometimes on a bus, other times while eating my lunch on a smoke-filled elevated floor of the canteen. its the same passion, the same urge, the same level and everything its just not the appropriate place to write and so what happens is that i still let my creativeness flow out, but sadly it just goes to the wind. carried or blown away, never coming back because i dont have any memento of it...any evidence of each wonderful idea or phrase or train of thought that visited me that day. its saddening to think that i loose a part of me each day. a part that i should have documented and recorded, or at least blogged about. i just wish i can have it all back again while im right here typing. so i can capture everyt thought and seal it. and then ill be comforted coz i know i have it and its not gone to some place it wont get appreciated...or visited again.

last post was back in november last year...might wonder what had gotten into me to tick off the keypad and write sumthin again. to answer the question, well i havent found a single soul to talk with. aside from the american customer who flood my ears the whole 8 hours of my dreadful shift(to be fair, not all of them are dreadful, some are actually nice..surprisingly)aside from them ive got nobody else. sad, truly...devastating, frustrating