AddiCtiOn...

wahahaha, bkit kapag magbablog na ako ala na akong maisip itype? its like everything else vanishes once i start typing? waaaaahhhh!!!! pero kapag nasa bus ako andami kong naiisip in between pag-idlip at paggising andami kong gusto iblog kaso alang available na pc...dito lng ako sa ofis nakakapagblog ksi ung pc ko sa bahay eh nachop-chop na ng kapatid ko...meaning ung parts niya di na kumpleto...binenta na yung isang hard drive saka memory card tapos ung monitor balak na rin ata dispatsahin...kawawa naman si compy koh...20 minutes away lng ako from my first break at ala pa rin akong call samantalang kahapon ilang call lng ako kasi puro software issues eh. Kaasar alam ko marami akong gusto iblog. ikukwento ko pla sa inyo ang addiction koh. matagal na ito actually, this started i think 3 years ago and i still cant get over it until now...well, di naman ako parang alcoholic na nanginginig ang buong katawan kapag di nakainom, its just that when i get introduced to my addiction again my nervous system starts to malfunction: here let me give you a brief description of exactly what happens, when im not with or anywhere near my addiction im all well and normal. I act sane and perfectly rational, i make wise decisions and everything seemed to be fine however if i get near my addiction and much worst if i get to be with my addiction i totally whack up, i become insane and the world turns upside down for me, im delusional, and totally irrational almost out of my self and out of control. but its a great feeling actually, to be insane and delusional, i get happy even if i shouldnt be. and i get this high...a feeling that im ok im fine and i dont have problems, its like im not human anymore, like all i can feel is nice and happy even if i should be worrying and sad and problematic, its like this addiction of mine protects me from reality and imprisons me in a bubble where my world is always perfect but once that bubble burst then im faced with tons and tons of problem of my own doing and usually brought about because of my addiction. its like i make perfectly insane decisions that would ruin my life and then when things are normal again thats the only time i get to "really" know what ive done. (sigh!) its like this addiction of mine has some power over me, takes control of my whole existence on that brief moment of insanity and then pooof! when i wake up everything is messed up and to my surprise, i am the one to blame for everything. crap! i can utterly survive without my addiction, totally not dependent on it but i cant help but deal with it sometimes..its like its part of my life and once in every while its inevitable to not to cross its path and then the insanity will start all over again because although i can get on with my life without it, its like its encripted on my life's path and i have no choice but to deal with it every once in a while but the thing is, i always fail, i cant defeat it, its much too strong for me, ive tried several times not to get affected but when im around my addiction its like im hypnotized and delusional again and theres nothin i can do to stop it! well so much for brief description huh!(sigh!) i feel very hopeless right now and i dont know what to do...inside of me i know the time is near and ill be having to deal with my addiction again sooner. i feel its coming but i still dont have the strength to fight it, im totally defenseless against it, all i can do is succumb to its power and relish every second im under the influence, treasure the happiness and prepare myself for the mess im about to induce myself with....