So much happiness today, bittersweet happiness. It started with me remembering (through my sister in law) that it is my Dad's death anniversary. I feel ashamed admitting to myself that I have forgotten about this occasion. I know...I believe subconsciously it has always been on my mind. In fact, i was talking to my mom the other day about how Papa visited me in my dreams and only then have I realized that the "date" was coming. So fast forward from my self initiated guilt, I rummaged my phone's album for an old pic of my Papa so I could write a sweet note for him to post on Facebook. But, alas! I could not find any and then I suddenly remembered I used to write blogs here (and on one other site). So i logged in to my very very ancient Yahoo Mail and tried to sift through thousands of my emails to look for a specific email I can use to get back to those two old blogging sites I used to frequent to. I found the first one, WordPress. Who would have thought that I only used WordPress before during my slacking hours at work to blog and ramble about mundane things in my life and now look at how it has grown and developed! So, I found the email I was looking for, got into my WordPress account and started reading my old blogs but to my dismay, I could not find the article I was looking for. I took my attention back to the heap of emails again and tried to find the second site. When I found it, I was able to go to my old blog's URL but I could not sign it. The only thing I can do was to read all my entries, laugh, cry and reminisce my craziness in the eyes of an audience (because I could not log in). I felt like it was a journal of my life, a special part of me, my history, my feelings, my emotions, my ideals. I felt strongly about those epistles from my past that I made it a mission to figure out how to get my access back...how I can make me mine again (lol). And I am proud to say that like most my battles, I triumphed this one as well, with flying colors! Now I got my blog back and now I'm writing again. So I am looking forward to rediscovering the joys of writing the second time around.
my very first...
Wednesday, August 18, 2021
Saturday, August 1, 2015
bigla ko lng naisip, sabi nila: happiness is a choice. sabi nga sa office namin "choose to be happy". pero naisip ko din, sa lahat ba ng oras kasali sa option mu na maging masaya? kasama ba sya lagi sa pagpipilian na parang multiple choice question sa exam? kasi if that is so, edi sana lahat ng tao yun ang pinipili? sino ba ang may gustong maging malungkot? ang mangulila? magalit?nwalan ng pag asa?o makaramdam ng kahit ano pa mang negatibo? lagi naman kahit sinong tao siguro ang tanungin, ang isasagot sau ay " i just want to be happy" pero minsan kahit anong gusto naten, kahit anong pilit naten, kahit anong hiling naten wala eh, mailap talga ang happiness. contrary to a popular softdrink ad, mahirap mahanap ang happiness. minsan iisipin naten dapat masaya tayo, kumpleto ang pamilya, may pagkain sa hapag, napapag aral ang mga anak, may matutulugan, may kuryente, pero sapat na ba ang mga bagay na yan para mapasaya ang tao? kahit ang pinakamayayaman aminado na hindi lng puro pera ang usapan pagdating sa happiness. may mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa atin na hindi nabibili ng pera. ngunit anu ba ang mga ito? para saken, ang 2 araw na day off ko ay hindi ko ipagbibili, ang kalayaan mangarap,...ng mga magagandang bagay..ng mga what ifs..ang mapanuod ang anak kong payapang natutulog..ang makakita ng rainbow...ng full moon...ng mga ulap..mga ibon at bulaklak. ang mabuhay...ang makaramdam...makapag pasaya ng iba. parang ang simple lang ng mga yan. siguro iniisip mo na ako ay isang taong palaging masaya...katulad ng halos lahat ng kakilala ko at nakakailala sa akin, ang tingin nila sa akin ay isang taong masayahin at palangiti. pero hindi laging ganon. nang mawala ang papa, nalungkot ako, isang anyo ng lungkot na napakalalim, sinaid ata nya lahat ng kaligayahan sa puso ko tpos nagkasunod sunod na prang landslide ang pagdausdos ng buhay ko..pababa..pailalim na parang hindi na ako makakaahon pa. nakakangiti pa ren ako..nakakatawa pero hungkag, payak, at wlang laman. sa bawat pagkakataon, hindi ako pinatatahimik ng kalungkutan at feeling ko lalo syang nadaragdagan. it was a loosing battle. matagal na panahon, it felt like eternity, my world was void of rainbows, of laughter..of sunshine..of birds and flowers. agony became my bestfriend..doubt is my neighbor...loneliness is my companion. maybe i could say, i was severely depressed. lots of nights i will stare at a blade on my wrist and contemplate about ending my life. ill spend hours crying while staring at that shiny metal on my hand until i grow tired and find myself adrift in dreams that i so painfully wish would become my reality. minsan naiisip ko, ndi kaya pwedeng irequest yung eternal sleep? tulog ka lng gnon, while dreaming...being happy in your make believe world where everything is as you want them to be.
Monday, July 27, 2015
happiness is a choice right? its a decision...there's always 2 faces to everything and it depends on us which face we want to concentrate our gaze into..how we wish to perceive things. we can always choose to look at the "brighter side of things", as how they put it, but sometimes we also have to look at the dark side..to maintain balance..to maintain logic. remember the symbol? yinyang? we would never know the good if we havent known the bad, positive wouldnt exist if there is no negative, we wont knoe light if there is no darkness. These two are intertwined, one has to exist for the other to survive and it depends on us to choose. But like what ive read somewhere on the internet (ive been reading and straining my eyes a lot these days..lol) we humans are inclined to focus on the negative...Negativity Bias is what they call it. thats the reason why we put too much thought on the nega...thats why we always anticipatethe worst and dwell on the pessimism. That iwe s why even the most jolly person experiences what we call an "emo phase". a time when we greatly focus to not being happy, moping around and succumbing to the thimgs that would obviously upset us...things we dont have control over. its funny actually if you think about it, its almost like, we, humans invent our own problems..our own worries...our own doom. i for one, knows that everything shall come to pass,and i mean everything, forver is just a state...a phase...and forever has an end. now those hopeless romantic dont need to go gaga and build a picket line outside my house for saying it. I am a hopeless romantic too, i enjoy gazing at the stars...the idea of a first kiss..marriage...honeymoon...spooning...cuddling...so im not saying that there is no forever in a relationship. I do believe ther is forever, in essence, the feelings that we have doesnt go away..its not an apparition or a bubble that when bursted cease to exist. Its still there and will always be there ...maybe just in a nother form. but why ami taling about relationships? its not the amain thought of my blog...lol actually i dont know the main thought of this blog..i just picked it up frm my drafts gfolder and is currently attempting to continue the flow. i miss writing you know...i miss expressing my thoughts freely...withuot restrictions..without bias. i want to be able to say things that i gfeel...i think...i believe without inhibitions. without thinking that here maybe someone that would be hurt by what i would say.
Friday, August 16, 2013
gustong gusto na kitang tnungin...
"what makes me different from all your exes..?"
pero ndi ko magawa..instead..i tell you all about how unique and special and one of a kind you are that makes me love you so much. then i keep my fingers crossed hoping that maybe...maybe you got the hidden message conveyed in my sentences...maybe you know how to read between the lines and start telling me what i want to hear..what i want to know.
pero bakit ko nga ba gustong malaman pa kung anong ikinaiba ko sa knila? bkit?..perhaps its the paranoia in me...the insecurities..the fear...im afraid that if i am not special..if i am just like all of them..your past...i might end up like them too...it scares the hell out of me. so i need to know..i need to know that you are thinking im special..that you are convinced im different...that you believe im the one and the last. pero pano?
i know one sure way of knowing is by asking...but i cant bring my self to ask you that stupid question..i dont know if im scared to hear the truth..or if im really just that coward.
then finally, one day, i was able to muster enough courage to ask you "the question" but i dont know what to make out of your answer....
me: babe, what makes me special?
you: huh?
me: i mean..what makes me different from all of your ex's
you: hmm..that's a tough one..i never really compare you with them. Anyway, what makes you ask that kind of question?
me: wala lng..i was just thinking, there should be sunthing special with me because if im just like them, i might end up like them dont you think?
you: hindi naman...hmm..ikaw ang pinaka malambing sa lahat at ang pinaka sexy, saka pinaka magandang ipin
me: (really disappointed) ahh ok..
all answers i got were all superficial. i like the part that you think im the sexiest amongst us but i am not satisfied. my paranoia wasnt satiated. i wanted a different answer...a more meaningful one. (sigh)
and another question popped in my mind...a question i probably would never ask you...a question you probably cant answer...."am i good enough?"
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
yOu...
i love watching you sleep. Just lying by your side and staring at your face. i never tire of doing it and perhaps never will. looking at you while you peacefully doze off and fill the room with the sound of your snore which meeans you are in deep slumber, makes me feel contentment and happiness i have never felt before.I never knew happiness...happiness never knew me, but you introduced us and now gone are the days that I hopelessly wonder what will become of me, forgotten are the times when tears and loneliness succumb me. i was broken yet you picked me up. you saw through the shattered remnants of my being and believed in me. I almost thought there was nothing left i could give...nothing left to share..but you proved me wrong. It was like you knew me better than i knew myself. you made me feel special..made me feel loved...made me realize i am beautiful and worthy of happiness like everyone else. before you, i thought i was void...an empty shell...the past battle has consumed me entirely but little by little...day after day..i heal. and little by little ever so gently, hope and faith came seeping right back. there was indeed a rainbow after the rain and i can see that now. and as i inch my way to recovery, ill stay here beside you..watching you sleep..staring at your face and listening to you snore. ill never tire of doing it until we grow old together..now and forevermore...I LOVE YOU...Happy Anniversary!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
LoNging...
Thursday, March 14, 2013
"Paramdam ka naman po.."
"I miss you Mac ko..."
these are the words...messeges rather that made my day...i think the word RUINED would be more appropriate.
is she really calling him hers?
forget it, its probably nothing..he never responded in the first place..
but did you notice the date? its just this month... (getting teary eyed)
so?...he never responded..
but she is callin him hers and misses him..they probably have sumthin going on between them..
hey..relax..he never responded..
thats the thing..he never cared enough to sever watever it is theyve got going..
how can he?..he never responded..
the chick probably still thinks whatever it is they have...they still have it
calm down ok..he neve responded..
are you f#*@ing gonna keep on telling me the same thing?!
hey brain! ur definitely not helping..thank you!
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Second Time Around
So much happiness today, bittersweet happiness. It started with me remembering (through my sister in law) that it is my Dad's death ann...
-
So much happiness today, bittersweet happiness. It started with me remembering (through my sister in law) that it is my Dad's death ann...
-
happiness is a choice right? its a decision...there's always 2 faces to everything and it depends on us which face we want to concentrat...
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Why, do you always do this to me Why, couldn't you just see it through me How come, you act like this Like you just don't care at ...



