Everytime i go to work, the only time i get for myself to think things out is when im sitting by the window of the bus looking outside as the speeding bus passes away the NLEX road. I know it sucks...what?

with all the dust and smoke that i inhale while beaming at the window and trying to compose my thoughts. Crap...im just so damnly confused these days....i saw this video of P and James riding a motorcycle and they sure do look like a happy father and son tandem...damn...my happiness or his happiness? how do you know if you are still inlove and not just being practical? or silly? or maternal? fuck...what to do?what to do? sometimes i just wanna be happy...wanna be myself...sumtyms i feel like im not living my life...i feel like this is not my damn life im living...if i am the one to live my life it wouldnt be like this....rosalyn's life would be happier..livelier...more complete like centrum? hehe pretty much...happiness? why are you so damn elusive to me? why do you always fly away? is it me? is it destiny? what to do? what to think?im sooo fucked up...life's is crap for the rest of my days...

imagine...come to think of it...a happy scene...a complete scene for me with you is by the beach in a starry night...happiness with just me would mean a quarter pounder and me at the top of the cliff wathcing stars...is it so hard? is it complicated?

Well, I saw him today and though the meeting wasn’t quite as I expected, I mean, before, when Im about to see him I get all fidgety and anxious then when I finally get to see his face…I would conjure all my speeches, I make sure I know what I would say to him, my complaints, my pains…everything. But when I see his face all is lost. When I see him smile, I get drowned. I forget all my worries, the pain is washed away and I feel completely happy. But today is a different story. I don know if a month absence made me this way, or if the hormones of pregnancy is making me crazy again. Im not sure. I tried to search inside me if the old feeling is still there. If I just kept it hidden. Or maybe I still have the fire but it’s just not that strong anymore. Of course having something, no matter how little or small it is is totally different from having nothing. I can say at the end of the meeting I was still able to feel something for him although its not that strong. I don’t know. Ive always told everybody and even myself that to me, he is like a drug, the more I have him the more I get addicted and I cant seem to stop. Well, given that fact, and the also the one month freedom I got away from him…would that have been enough to free me of the urge? Of the addiction? Im not sure. Things are a little complicated now, especially with some hormones messing with my brain and my feelings as well.