Second Time Around

 So much happiness today, bittersweet happiness. It started with me remembering (through my sister in law) that it is my Dad's death anniversary. I feel ashamed admitting to myself that I have forgotten about this occasion. I know...I believe subconsciously it has always been on my mind. In fact, i was talking to my mom the other day about how Papa visited me in my dreams and only then have I realized that the "date" was coming. So fast forward from my self initiated guilt, I rummaged my phone's album for an old pic of my Papa so I could write a sweet note for him to post on Facebook. But, alas! I could not find any and then I suddenly remembered I used to write blogs here (and on one other site). So i logged in to my very very ancient Yahoo Mail and tried to sift through thousands of my emails to look for a specific email I can use to get back to those two old blogging sites I used to frequent to. I found the first one, WordPress. Who would have thought that I only used WordPress before during my slacking hours at work to blog and ramble about mundane things in my life and now look at how it has grown and developed! So, I found the email I was looking for, got into my WordPress account and started reading my old blogs but to my dismay, I could not find the article I was looking for. I took my attention back to the heap of emails again and tried to find the second site. When I found it, I was able to go to  my old blog's URL but I could not sign it. The only thing I can do was to read all my entries, laugh, cry and reminisce my craziness in the eyes of an audience (because I could not log in). I felt like it was a journal of my life, a special part of me, my history, my feelings, my emotions, my ideals. I felt strongly about those epistles from my past that I made it a mission to figure out how to get my access back...how I can make me mine again (lol). And I am proud to say that like most my battles, I triumphed this one as well, with flying colors! Now I got my blog back and now I'm writing again. So I am looking forward to rediscovering the joys of writing the second time around. 

bigla ko lng naisip, sabi nila: happiness is a choice. sabi nga sa office namin "choose to be happy". pero naisip ko din, sa lahat ba ng oras kasali sa option mu na maging masaya? kasama ba sya lagi sa pagpipilian na parang multiple choice question sa exam? kasi if that is so, edi sana lahat ng tao yun ang pinipili? sino ba ang may gustong maging malungkot? ang mangulila? magalit?nwalan ng pag asa?o makaramdam ng kahit ano pa mang negatibo? lagi naman kahit sinong tao siguro ang tanungin, ang isasagot sau ay " i just want to be happy" pero minsan kahit anong gusto naten, kahit anong pilit naten, kahit anong hiling naten wala eh, mailap talga ang happiness. contrary to a popular softdrink ad, mahirap mahanap ang happiness. minsan iisipin naten dapat masaya tayo, kumpleto ang pamilya, may pagkain sa hapag, napapag aral ang mga anak, may matutulugan, may kuryente, pero sapat na ba ang mga bagay na yan para mapasaya ang tao? kahit ang pinakamayayaman aminado na hindi lng puro pera ang usapan pagdating sa happiness. may mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa atin na hindi nabibili ng pera. ngunit anu ba ang mga ito? para saken, ang 2 araw na day off ko ay hindi ko ipagbibili, ang kalayaan mangarap,...ng mga magagandang bagay..ng mga what ifs..ang mapanuod ang anak kong payapang natutulog..ang makakita ng rainbow...ng full moon...ng mga ulap..mga ibon at bulaklak. ang mabuhay...ang makaramdam...makapag pasaya ng iba. parang ang simple lang ng mga yan. siguro iniisip mo na ako ay isang taong palaging masaya...katulad ng halos lahat ng kakilala ko at nakakailala sa akin, ang tingin nila sa akin ay isang taong masayahin at palangiti. pero hindi laging ganon. nang mawala ang papa, nalungkot ako, isang anyo ng lungkot na napakalalim, sinaid ata nya lahat ng kaligayahan sa puso ko tpos nagkasunod sunod na prang landslide ang pagdausdos ng buhay ko..pababa..pailalim na parang hindi na ako makakaahon pa. nakakangiti pa ren ako..nakakatawa pero hungkag, payak, at wlang laman. sa bawat pagkakataon, hindi ako pinatatahimik ng kalungkutan at feeling ko lalo syang nadaragdagan. it was a loosing battle. matagal na panahon, it felt like eternity, my world was void of rainbows, of laughter..of sunshine..of birds and flowers. agony became my bestfriend..doubt is my neighbor...loneliness is my companion. maybe i could say, i was severely depressed. lots of nights i will stare at a blade on my wrist and contemplate about ending my life. ill spend hours crying while staring at that shiny metal on my hand until i grow tired and find myself adrift in dreams that i so painfully wish would become my reality. minsan naiisip ko, ndi kaya pwedeng irequest yung eternal sleep? tulog ka lng gnon, while dreaming...being happy in your make believe world where everything is as you want them to be.

happiness is a choice right? its a decision...there's always 2 faces to everything and it depends on us which face we want to concentrate our gaze into..how we wish to perceive things. we can always choose to look at the "brighter side of things", as how they put it, but sometimes we also have to look at the dark side..to maintain balance..to maintain logic. remember the symbol? yinyang? we would never know the good if we havent known the bad, positive wouldnt exist if there is no negative, we wont knoe light if there is no darkness. These two are intertwined, one has to exist for the other to survive and it depends on us to choose. But like what ive read somewhere on the internet (ive been reading and straining my eyes a lot these days..lol) we humans are inclined to focus on the negative...Negativity Bias is what they call it. thats the reason why we put too much thought on the nega...thats why we always anticipatethe worst and dwell on the pessimism. That iwe s why even the most jolly person experiences what we call an "emo phase". a time when we greatly focus to not being happy, moping around and succumbing to the thimgs that would obviously upset us...things we dont have control over. its funny actually if you think about it, its almost like, we, humans invent our own problems..our own worries...our own doom. i for one, knows that everything shall come to pass,and i mean everything, forver is just a state...a phase...and forever has an end. now those hopeless romantic dont need to go gaga and build a picket line outside my house for saying it. I am a hopeless romantic too, i enjoy gazing at the stars...the idea of a first kiss..marriage...honeymoon...spooning...cuddling...so im not saying that there is no forever in a relationship. I do believe ther is forever, in essence, the feelings that we have doesnt go away..its not an apparition or a bubble that when bursted cease to exist. Its still there and will always be there ...maybe just in a nother form. but why ami taling about relationships? its not the amain thought of my blog...lol actually i dont know the main thought of this blog..i just picked it up frm my drafts gfolder and is currently attempting to continue the flow. i miss writing you know...i miss expressing my thoughts freely...withuot restrictions..without bias. i want to be able to say things that i gfeel...i think...i believe without inhibitions. without thinking that here maybe someone that would be hurt by what i would say.

gustong gusto na kitang tnungin...

"what makes me different from all your exes..?"

pero ndi ko magawa..instead..i tell you all about how unique and special and one of a kind you are that makes me love you so much. then i keep my fingers crossed hoping that maybe...maybe you got the hidden message conveyed in my sentences...maybe you know how to read between the lines and start telling me what i want to hear..what i want to know.

pero bakit ko nga ba gustong malaman pa kung anong ikinaiba ko sa knila? bkit?..perhaps its the paranoia in me...the insecurities..the fear...im afraid that if i am not special..if i am just like all of them..your past...i might end up like them too...it scares the hell out of me. so i need to know..i need to know that you are thinking im special..that you are convinced im different...that you believe im the one and the last. pero pano?

i know one sure way of knowing is by asking...but i cant bring my self to ask you that stupid question..i dont know if im scared to hear the truth..or if im really just that coward.

then finally, one day, i was able to muster enough courage to ask you "the question" but i dont know what to make out of your answer....

me: babe, what makes me special?
you: huh?
me: i mean..what makes me different from all of your ex's
you: hmm..that's a tough one..i never really compare you with them. Anyway, what makes you ask that kind of question?
me: wala lng..i was just thinking, there should be sunthing special with me because if im just like them, i might end up like them dont you think?
you: hindi naman...hmm..ikaw ang pinaka malambing sa lahat at ang pinaka sexy, saka pinaka magandang ipin
me: (really disappointed) ahh ok..

all answers i got were all superficial. i like the part that you think im the sexiest amongst us but i am  not satisfied. my paranoia wasnt satiated. i wanted a different answer...a more meaningful one. (sigh) 

and another question popped in my mind...a question i probably would never ask you...a question you probably cant answer...."am i good enough?"

yOu...

i love watching you sleep. Just lying by your side and staring at your face. i never tire of doing it and perhaps never will. looking at you while you peacefully doze off and fill the room with the sound of your snore which meeans you are in deep slumber, makes me feel contentment and happiness i have never felt before.I never knew happiness...happiness never knew me, but you introduced us and now gone are the days that I hopelessly wonder what will become of me, forgotten are the times when tears and loneliness succumb me. i was broken yet you picked me up. you saw through the shattered remnants of my being and believed in me. I almost thought there was nothing left i could give...nothing left to share..but you proved me wrong. It was like you knew me better than i knew myself. you made me feel special..made me feel loved...made me realize i am beautiful and worthy of happiness like everyone else. before you, i thought i was void...an empty shell...the past battle has consumed me entirely but little by little...day after day..i heal. and little by little ever so gently, hope and faith came seeping right back. there was indeed a rainbow after the rain and i can see that now. and as i inch my way to recovery, ill stay here beside you..watching you sleep..staring at your face and listening to you snore. ill never tire of doing it until we grow old together..now and forevermore...I LOVE YOU...Happy Anniversary!

LoNging...

Ive seen a picture of you today...nothing is new because i always see you in my mind..you are always in my thoughts no matter the distance..no matter what happened. other people may put doubt on your mind...they may have painted a not so very pretty image of me in your eyes but trust me when i say...i never stopped loving you. you have been a regular visitor in my dreams..in my thoughts. i have a special place for you in y heart that nobody can ever replace. i love you...you may not understand my actions or question me someday why i did the things i did. i may never make you understand. I'm not proud of everything that Ive done and its no use throwing blame to other people for we all know that no matter how mundane, it is always us, who are held responsible for things that happen in our lives. if I'm given the chance to do things over again I cant say ill do anything differently. Ive found peace and happiness where I am right now and I'm sure you've found your share of happiness too, though i know in my heart that you long for me as i likewise long for you. there are days i see you in every face i look at. there are a lot of moments that i wish i could hold you in my arms. I never wanted for us to part but i guess its fate. You serve a purpose that no one else can take. I know our lives would intertwine again someday and i look forward to it. i look forward to the day that i will be able to hold you again, feel your embrace and hear your voice calling out my name. I miss you so much and it hurts not being able to let you know how i feel...it hurts so bad that i have to bury you deep in my heart for the meantime and try to forget the longing that i feel..i would just have to find solace in the thought that one day...one day...the wait will be over and i can call you mine again.

"Paramdam ka naman po.."
"I miss you Mac ko..."

these are the words...messeges rather that made my day...i think the word RUINED would be more appropriate. why do i keep on stumbling on these things..is it a sign? are YOU once again waving a huge red flag infront of me? am i to give meaning to all of these or ignore it and keep blind faith to the second man ive entrusted my heart to. im beginning to get scared. but i dont want tobe carried away by my ever unreliable emotion especially now that my hormones are doing a nice job whacking my logic and blurring my perception on things. DAMN!!! why does my mind keep on replaying those words on my head.."my Mac".."my Mac"..."my Mac"..

is she really calling him hers?
forget it, its probably nothing..he never responded in the first place..
but did you notice the date? its just this month... (getting teary eyed)
so?...he never responded..
but she is callin him hers and misses him..they probably have sumthin going on between them..
hey..relax..he never responded..
thats the thing..he never cared enough to sever watever it is theyve got going..
how can he?..he never responded..
the chick probably still thinks whatever it is they have...they still have it
calm down ok..he neve responded..
are you f#*@ing gonna keep on telling me the same thing?!

hey brain! ur definitely not helping..thank you!