gustong gusto na kitang tnungin...

"what makes me different from all your exes..?"

pero ndi ko magawa..instead..i tell you all about how unique and special and one of a kind you are that makes me love you so much. then i keep my fingers crossed hoping that maybe...maybe you got the hidden message conveyed in my sentences...maybe you know how to read between the lines and start telling me what i want to hear..what i want to know.

pero bakit ko nga ba gustong malaman pa kung anong ikinaiba ko sa knila? bkit?..perhaps its the paranoia in me...the insecurities..the fear...im afraid that if i am not special..if i am just like all of them..your past...i might end up like them too...it scares the hell out of me. so i need to know..i need to know that you are thinking im special..that you are convinced im different...that you believe im the one and the last. pero pano?

i know one sure way of knowing is by asking...but i cant bring my self to ask you that stupid question..i dont know if im scared to hear the truth..or if im really just that coward.

then finally, one day, i was able to muster enough courage to ask you "the question" but i dont know what to make out of your answer....

me: babe, what makes me special?
you: huh?
me: i mean..what makes me different from all of your ex's
you: hmm..that's a tough one..i never really compare you with them. Anyway, what makes you ask that kind of question?
me: wala lng..i was just thinking, there should be sunthing special with me because if im just like them, i might end up like them dont you think?
you: hindi naman...hmm..ikaw ang pinaka malambing sa lahat at ang pinaka sexy, saka pinaka magandang ipin
me: (really disappointed) ahh ok..

all answers i got were all superficial. i like the part that you think im the sexiest amongst us but i am  not satisfied. my paranoia wasnt satiated. i wanted a different answer...a more meaningful one. (sigh) 

and another question popped in my mind...a question i probably would never ask you...a question you probably cant answer...."am i good enough?"

yOu...

i love watching you sleep. Just lying by your side and staring at your face. i never tire of doing it and perhaps never will. looking at you while you peacefully doze off and fill the room with the sound of your snore which meeans you are in deep slumber, makes me feel contentment and happiness i have never felt before.I never knew happiness...happiness never knew me, but you introduced us and now gone are the days that I hopelessly wonder what will become of me, forgotten are the times when tears and loneliness succumb me. i was broken yet you picked me up. you saw through the shattered remnants of my being and believed in me. I almost thought there was nothing left i could give...nothing left to share..but you proved me wrong. It was like you knew me better than i knew myself. you made me feel special..made me feel loved...made me realize i am beautiful and worthy of happiness like everyone else. before you, i thought i was void...an empty shell...the past battle has consumed me entirely but little by little...day after day..i heal. and little by little ever so gently, hope and faith came seeping right back. there was indeed a rainbow after the rain and i can see that now. and as i inch my way to recovery, ill stay here beside you..watching you sleep..staring at your face and listening to you snore. ill never tire of doing it until we grow old together..now and forevermore...I LOVE YOU...Happy Anniversary!

LoNging...

Ive seen a picture of you today...nothing is new because i always see you in my mind..you are always in my thoughts no matter the distance..no matter what happened. other people may put doubt on your mind...they may have painted a not so very pretty image of me in your eyes but trust me when i say...i never stopped loving you. you have been a regular visitor in my dreams..in my thoughts. i have a special place for you in y heart that nobody can ever replace. i love you...you may not understand my actions or question me someday why i did the things i did. i may never make you understand. I'm not proud of everything that Ive done and its no use throwing blame to other people for we all know that no matter how mundane, it is always us, who are held responsible for things that happen in our lives. if I'm given the chance to do things over again I cant say ill do anything differently. Ive found peace and happiness where I am right now and I'm sure you've found your share of happiness too, though i know in my heart that you long for me as i likewise long for you. there are days i see you in every face i look at. there are a lot of moments that i wish i could hold you in my arms. I never wanted for us to part but i guess its fate. You serve a purpose that no one else can take. I know our lives would intertwine again someday and i look forward to it. i look forward to the day that i will be able to hold you again, feel your embrace and hear your voice calling out my name. I miss you so much and it hurts not being able to let you know how i feel...it hurts so bad that i have to bury you deep in my heart for the meantime and try to forget the longing that i feel..i would just have to find solace in the thought that one day...one day...the wait will be over and i can call you mine again.

"Paramdam ka naman po.."
"I miss you Mac ko..."

these are the words...messeges rather that made my day...i think the word RUINED would be more appropriate. why do i keep on stumbling on these things..is it a sign? are YOU once again waving a huge red flag infront of me? am i to give meaning to all of these or ignore it and keep blind faith to the second man ive entrusted my heart to. im beginning to get scared. but i dont want tobe carried away by my ever unreliable emotion especially now that my hormones are doing a nice job whacking my logic and blurring my perception on things. DAMN!!! why does my mind keep on replaying those words on my head.."my Mac".."my Mac"..."my Mac"..

is she really calling him hers?
forget it, its probably nothing..he never responded in the first place..
but did you notice the date? its just this month... (getting teary eyed)
so?...he never responded..
but she is callin him hers and misses him..they probably have sumthin going on between them..
hey..relax..he never responded..
thats the thing..he never cared enough to sever watever it is theyve got going..
how can he?..he never responded..
the chick probably still thinks whatever it is they have...they still have it
calm down ok..he neve responded..
are you f#*@ing gonna keep on telling me the same thing?!

hey brain! ur definitely not helping..thank you!

wow...so much for my first attempt in getting back my edge in writing...guess what year it is now? its 2013! its been more than 2 years since my last post..can u believe how time flies? and in that span of time, a ton of things happened in my life that i havent got the chance to blog about. im excited and thrilled to be able to log in again and revisit my old blog. i had fun skimming through the contents of my previous posts. i shed a tear or two..smiled..broke in laughter...felt sad..and all these different emotions that makes me feel alive and human a lot of things had changed and i think im rather rusty with my vocabulary..only a few remained the same like for one, im still working in a call center doing graveyard shifts but for a different company now..unlike before that i use to slack away my days infront of my monitor doing all sorts of stuff not even remotely related to the job i signed up and being paid for..its been a very long tragic, and colorful journey for me..a journey i sure dont want to ever forget, so brace your self because youll be hearing an awful lot from me these coming days(especially now that im sick..upper respiratory track infection is what the doctor says) no need to panic its just minor really..so minor that our company doctor refuses, even after 2 different doctors already recommended to let me rest for 7 days, to let me file for a med leave. but thats an entirely different story

hmmm..where do i start?....let me tell you first, i know youll be surprised and you wouldnt have seen this coming but here goes, me and P are over..(nods) uh huh..really, finally at long last over for good! ^_^
see that? that was a smile...im smiling..i can smile about it too! hahaha! i know its pretty damnhard to believe..after all youve been my witness to the complete insanity that succumbs me whenever he is the topic. you know everything..the entire story..my madness..my addiction..my masochism. but that chapter of my delusion is over and it feels good to have moved on and know what it feels like to be happy..genuinely happy. you  might wonder what had happened. you dont need to ponder for long coz ill tell you all about it in my suceeding posts.