gNon bA yOn?

nag im ang account manager sa messanger ko, nagtext ka daw sa celfone nya obviously that is because khapon tinext kita using her cp kse ako bwal magadala ng phone dito sa ofis..., ngtext ako di ka nagreply, i called you later that day nag-ring lng ang fone several times until na drop ung call when i tried dialling again sbi ng babae sa kabilang linya "cannot be reached" ka na daw....gnon ba yon? kagabi di ako nakatulog ng husto, pbiling biling sa higaan iniisip kita, sa pagitan ng mga maiksing pagkaidlip ko at muling paggising naiisip kita. kelan na ba kita huling nakausap? kelan na ba tyo huling nagkasama? medyo matagal na nga, at kagabi naisip ko, pano kaya kung di ka na magparamdam? pano kung ayaw mo na akong makita? pno kung ito ang paraan mo para sabihin sa akin na ayaw mo na? sa kaibuturan ng puso ko ayaw kong isipin o ientertain man lng ang posibilidad na maaaring iyon na ang katapusan ng lovestory natin dahil di pa maganda ang ending
pero ang praktikal na ako ay nagsusumigaw din you should face the truth kung iyon nga and move on! dapat handa ka! anong gagawin mo kung sakaling ito na nga ang ending nyo? di ka pwedeng magmukmok nalng at umiyak dahil nandyan si james naisip ko ang mga plan b at mga plan c na gagawin ko kung sakali't tuluyan ka ng di magparamdam....naisip ko kaya ko naman siguro....naisip ko di naman ako mamamatay...tapos nakatulog na ako ulit. paggising ko maleleyt na ako sa trabaho so i got ready, took my meal, then went to work.

nung nasa jeep ako merong isang lalaki na kahawig mo,tumingin sya sa akin shet! sbi ko sa sarili ko bakit ba kita naaalala sa bwat pamilyar na mukha, sa bawat pabango na kasingamoy ng sayo, sa bawat lalking kasing height mo!? bad trip talaga pakiramdam ko nong oras na yun ikaw ang nakatingin sa akin...ikaw ang nakikita ko at naramdaman ko nalng ang puso ko ay umiinit at gusto ko nang maluha bakit gnito kalakas ang dating mo sa akin?

kung tutuusin ang dami ng paghihirap ang dinulot ng pasaway na pag-ibig na ito...sinira ang pangarap ko at pinaiyak at dinurog ang puso ko pero heto at tuwing makakakita ako ng halos kamukha mo or makakaamoy ng pabango mo or makasulyap ng kasing height mo naaalala kita?

at ngayon nga sabi sa akin ng account manager ko nagtext ka daw...piplitin ko man pigilan...,lumabas pa rin at nasilayan ang ngiti na nagpumilit kumawala sa labi ko, nakahinga ako ng maluwag so hindi mo naman pala ako nakalimutan....may chance pa siguro tayo, pede pa ako humirit at umasa para sa katuparan ng fairy tale ko at magkakaroon na tayo ng linyang "they lived happily ever after..."

iN LoVe....

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

wow, this is sooooo touching and romantic. my heart feels like it was melting and i could just feel the warmth inside. most people would be lucky, like very very very damn lucky to have this kind of love in their life but unfortunately, these "lucky ones" fail to realize how blessed they are until they lost their chance to appreciate that wonderful person in their life. Some of us might even be unconciously pushing them away and the harder they try to stick with us the harder we push them away only to realize at the end that what we were pushing back is the only thing we want the most in our life and the only thing that makes us happy....haaay! I just wish you would finally realize ive been with you, stood up for you, fought for you, saw through you all the worst and best, that i have loved you more than anyone else could but im hurting all this time. im hurting because you never seem to care. you never seemed to notice how much ive given up for you, how much ive loved you...all i want is you and to be with you and be loved by you, is it really too much to ask? My ultimate wish right now is to undo this crazy love in my heart so i can stop hurting and finally let go, so i can stop loving and finally move on, so i can stop hoping and finally retire to be one of "those people" who has this insanity of never being able to let go of a love that by all accounts seems to be wrong. All i wanna do right now as the last concious effort is to shout at you on top of my voice: "DAMN YOU!!!! Dont you ****ing know how ****ing lucky you are to have me loving you as crazy as this? and i must admit, even if i do really find the courage (which by the way i very much doubt that i will) to leave you and let go, you will still be the only one id cherish in my heart and in my life. I love you sincerely, utterly, unshakably, honestly with all my hear and my sould and with everything i am..., tma na mushy masyado. kaluguran dakang sobra sobra!

rUsH...

many things had happened last week...ive had my PMP..it stands for performance monitoring and the last P is for...hmm i dont know really..hehe but the good thing is i passed. basically this PMP thing decides if you are "in" (gonna be regularized) or "out" to say "hello jobstreet,again" hehe. well fortunately for me i got in...and then on top of that james and me had a really wonderful time of our life we celebrated his dob a the mall and it was a blast. he was very happy and we got really exhausted after that...i forgot to log out from work monday morning and i just logged out last night...hehehe its like rendering OT as in overtime for 4 days...lolz and i had 2 absences without leave i wasnt able to call the hotline because i honestly forgot the number...i havent been absent for 2 months and more so i forgot that number already. now i dont know if its a good thing or what...hehe

AddiCtiOn...

wahahaha, bkit kapag magbablog na ako ala na akong maisip itype? its like everything else vanishes once i start typing? waaaaahhhh!!!! pero kapag nasa bus ako andami kong naiisip in between pag-idlip at paggising andami kong gusto iblog kaso alang available na pc...dito lng ako sa ofis nakakapagblog ksi ung pc ko sa bahay eh nachop-chop na ng kapatid ko...meaning ung parts niya di na kumpleto...binenta na yung isang hard drive saka memory card tapos ung monitor balak na rin ata dispatsahin...kawawa naman si compy koh...20 minutes away lng ako from my first break at ala pa rin akong call samantalang kahapon ilang call lng ako kasi puro software issues eh. Kaasar alam ko marami akong gusto iblog. ikukwento ko pla sa inyo ang addiction koh. matagal na ito actually, this started i think 3 years ago and i still cant get over it until now...well, di naman ako parang alcoholic na nanginginig ang buong katawan kapag di nakainom, its just that when i get introduced to my addiction again my nervous system starts to malfunction: here let me give you a brief description of exactly what happens, when im not with or anywhere near my addiction im all well and normal. I act sane and perfectly rational, i make wise decisions and everything seemed to be fine however if i get near my addiction and much worst if i get to be with my addiction i totally whack up, i become insane and the world turns upside down for me, im delusional, and totally irrational almost out of my self and out of control. but its a great feeling actually, to be insane and delusional, i get happy even if i shouldnt be. and i get this high...a feeling that im ok im fine and i dont have problems, its like im not human anymore, like all i can feel is nice and happy even if i should be worrying and sad and problematic, its like this addiction of mine protects me from reality and imprisons me in a bubble where my world is always perfect but once that bubble burst then im faced with tons and tons of problem of my own doing and usually brought about because of my addiction. its like i make perfectly insane decisions that would ruin my life and then when things are normal again thats the only time i get to "really" know what ive done. (sigh!) its like this addiction of mine has some power over me, takes control of my whole existence on that brief moment of insanity and then pooof! when i wake up everything is messed up and to my surprise, i am the one to blame for everything. crap! i can utterly survive without my addiction, totally not dependent on it but i cant help but deal with it sometimes..its like its part of my life and once in every while its inevitable to not to cross its path and then the insanity will start all over again because although i can get on with my life without it, its like its encripted on my life's path and i have no choice but to deal with it every once in a while but the thing is, i always fail, i cant defeat it, its much too strong for me, ive tried several times not to get affected but when im around my addiction its like im hypnotized and delusional again and theres nothin i can do to stop it! well so much for brief description huh!(sigh!) i feel very hopeless right now and i dont know what to do...inside of me i know the time is near and ill be having to deal with my addiction again sooner. i feel its coming but i still dont have the strength to fight it, im totally defenseless against it, all i can do is succumb to its power and relish every second im under the influence, treasure the happiness and prepare myself for the mess im about to induce myself with....